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Still fighting

by Aurelie

I used to think that I was weak for not being able to stop binge eating. I have had short periods of bulimia/anorexia (last one 3 months ago)as a desperate remedy to binge eating. I can't say it is a clever solution but it is the only way that I am able to have some form of control. I know this is wrong though and I am trying other ways to fight it.

I have talked about my issues to my boyfriend. He can't quite understand why I can't fight the urges off and what happens in my mind/brain when these urges come on. The thing is, I don't think at all. I more or less know I won't be happy with myself afterwards, but all thoughts are turned off.

Obviously I feel sick and ashamed afterwards. It's an ugly disorder and you'd think eating should not be so dificult, especially with all the hunger in the world. I should just be grateful and get read of my issues. Still trying hard!!!

I have read that eating disorders are partly genetics, and partly the results of traumas/depression/anxiety. It helps to know that I am not the only one and that it is actually HARD to fight this.

I have started binging when I was about 10 years old. I'm 29 now (crikey, that's 19 years of thinking about food every day!). My father had left us and my mum left me at home alone when there was no school (no baby sitter). It's not a big trauma, but being alone must have played in my subconscious and now this is a recurrent pattern.

I only binge when I am alone in my home and my boyfriend is at work (example: tonight).

If more people could understand how difficult it is to live with this, it would help. It's not like stopping drugs, you actually see and eat food three times a day. Go tell an addict he/she can have only a small joint 3 times a day but that's it...

I am still too ashamed to talk about it to anyone else. But I know that one day this will be behind me. It's not easy but it's doable.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program