(Miami, FL, US)
It is nearly 2:30am, early Monday morning. A few hours ago I woke up from a nap, exhausted from a day with my family and an afternoon binge/purge. And as instinctive as a rubbing your eyes after waking up, I was on my way to the kitchen. 11:30pm and another binge and purge session. And I hate myself for it. I utterly and absolutely hate myself for it.
But I'm done. I have to be. I want to be. I am.
No one knows my secret. I've been doing this for a few years now, and it has gotten worse over the last year or two. I gained weight when my father died last year, a year ago yesterday in fact. That's when my bulimia worsened. Entering college I thought I would have more control over myself, "no more of my moms latin cooking," I thought. I could eat healthy on my own. And I did for a bit. But things got worse. Way worse.
It might be a matter of control for me. I feel in control and out of control at the same time. Then disgusted. That's the worse part. Why do I do this to myself? Why do we, in fact?
Now, I don't know if my father's passing fueled this, in retrospect it might've.
Though, since I was a child I hated my body. I've associated skinny with being loves and accepted by peers. I've hid behind cardigans and sweaters at my heaviest. I've been quiet and shy around peers to blend in and not be noticed. I never take seconds in social gatherings and always make sure my plate has less on it than the other skinny, "normal" girls. I've conditioned my body to hide and hate itself. It's no wonder I throw up whenever I get the chance. But I want to stop. So badly.
My grandmother tormented me as a chubby little girl, calling me fat, a pig, at the age of 4. It's not surprising that I've ended up like this.
At least that's what I used to think. I guess I still do.
But I want to change. I will change. Because I have to.
I'm tired of kneeling in the shower after dinner, throwing up everywhere as the water falls over me. I get headaches and throat aches. It's time this stops. I want to be healthy again. I want to be honest. I want to be happy.
I really like the idea of positive thinking. And the fact that I just shared some thoughts that I've never shared before. I'm not alone, you aren't alone--we aren't. I'm going to read more stories below now, that may be cathartic and helpful. Thank you for this site, so much.
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