So far in my bulimia journey
Yuck. I cant believe I just ate that. What was I thinking?
Go on – go to the bathroom. Get it out.
No I don’t want to do that anymore. But I so shouldn’t have eaten that.
Go on, one more time.
That was the private battle that went on inside my head after every time I would eat. Hang on I don’t mean was, I mean is – it still is going on. The only difference between now and then is that lately I have found the volume control and can turn the nasty voice down, the voice that doesn’t care. The voice that thinks its ok to stick your fingers down your throat.
I don’t listen to that voice anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it.
I have been bulimic for 4 years and I am proud to say I have not made myself vomit for the last 7 months. Oh and my name is Brooke. This is my story.
The first 2-3 months felt great! I could feel the difference inside my body – my insides were thanking me that I was finally keeping my stomach down. Then the habit started again. The part of the cycle I couldn’t break – the over eating. How could I manage to stop the purging (which is totally so much worse!) but I couldn’t stop the overeating?? And the overeating is the trigger. It is what would trigger that voice in my head that didn’t care if I damaged my insides; my teeth, my throat and my stomach lining among other organs. The voice would appear every time I would eat. And it still does.
I passed the 12 month mark, the goal I had set for myself. I passed it with flying colours – not once in 12 months had I made myself throw up food. My mum took me to get my tattoo that was promised if I made my goal, a tattoo to prove to me every day that I can do it, I can control that voice in my head.
I made it to the 13 month mark and it all went down hill.
I had had a rough couple of months, breaking up with my 4 and half year boyfriend, moving out of home, moving out of home again. Then my ex was in a serious car accident that left him in hospital and rehab for 3 months. That threw a giant spanner in the works. Then I simply had a bad week that was enough to send me over the edge. I was stressed, I was tired and extremely emotional and I wasn’t strong enough. I went on a giant binge frenzy, and then I wasn’t strong enough and found myself in front of the toilet, down on my knees, with my fingers half way down my throat. I cried. I cried and vomited then cried some more. I had failed. How could this happen, what do I say when my mum asks me how I’m going – the tattoo that is suppose to mark my strength! I was so ashamed, so beaten up.
That was last October; 5 months ago and I am still in the same position. I didn’t let that one slip up be my only slip up – the voice in my head used it against me you’ve already done it, whats the point in stopping now. I have gone back to binge eating and purging yet again. After all my efforts, all that time I had managed to control my biggest enemy, I had lost.
I want to feel good inside again. I want to be able to hold my head up high and say yes I am overcoming my bulimia problem. I want to feel healthy and happy AND NOT THINK ABOUT FOOD ALL THE TIME. Even though I was still suffering with the thoughts during those 13th months of not purging I was still a victim to the thoughts, the voice that doesn’t care, the internal battle that goes on inside my head every second of the day; what to eat, when to eat, how much, when will I be alone so I can eat, its lunch time so I should eat, but I shouldn’t eat because I’m not hungry. All the time over and over, round and round in my head.
I cannot wait to start this clinical intervention. I want my life to change around. I’m ready for my life to change around. I need my life to change around. My body and mind need help to get better. I’m 21 years old now, a grown-up they say, I need to be confident in myself, not playing mediator to an on-going debate in my head.
I want to stand tall and not be a victim of this self abuse.