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So close..yet bulimia demons still lurk

by Clara
(New Jersey)

I started throwing up around 15/16 when my parents were going through a bitter divorce. I was always a scrawny kid, and could eat pretty much anything. When I hit adolescence, I got curves and the whole lot and felt very vulnerable, with the added stress of my parents splitting up. I am an only child and had to be strong for them. I remember a counselor saying to me then that I was a little solider. After some analysis, it became clear that I was binging and purging as a way to feel something, to feel in control while the world around me fell apart. My parents were everything to me and seeing our trio dissolve was very painful. I went through years of binging and purging...mostly "naughty" foods. I wouldn't really purge my lunch or dinner, but I would if I felt I had too many fries or if I ate one too many cookies after dinner. I would also purposely eat foods that I forbade myself and set up binging sessions. I am was very inconsistent and sometimes went weeks without the binge/purge cycle.
16 years later, I have sought out help and while I have had a year or two of bulimia freedom, it still lurks. I'm a pretty happy person and quite resilient, I don't get why it comes back when I really don't want it to. Like last year, I made it through almost the whole year and then threw up once in September (a friends wedding), then once in November ( thanksgiving! what?!) and then again in December(a Christmas party). I was so mad because aside from 3 isolated incidents, I was almost there! On all three instances alcohol was involved and they were Festive occasions involving larger quantities of food. I was happy at these events though and with dear friends! I've tried to analyze it and have come up with the conclusion that I need to watch my alcohol intake at parties and during the holidays because it takes away my control and clearly I still have control issues. The first time I threw up, it was the night before my friends wedding and we were all out drinking. I had a bit too much and found myself snacking on nuts and chips. I felt disgusted but remember thinking that my reason for throwing up was not the calories but that I didn't want to be hungover for the wedding the next day.

So three isolated incidents last year and so far this year, another three isolated incidents. All contained alcohol. I dunno, I guess that doesn't make me a full fledged bulimic but am I on the way to recovery? I don't ever want to stick my fingers down my throat again. Thank you so much in advance for your insights and support.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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