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Snapshots of Bulimia

I remember...

*My grandmother standing me in front of the mirror when I was ten years old, wrapping a skirt around me waist and gushing, "Oh, look how thin she is!"

*Watching my grandpa chastise my grandmother for gaining weight around her middle.

*Getting my baby sister to sit on my stomach after dinner each night so that it would look "flatter".

*Listening to my mother complain about her weight and watching her experiment with crash diets.

*Being so ashamed of my budding breasts that I had to bind them down with duct tape everyday before school (v. painful, don't try it).

*Eating very little at recess and lunchtime, then going home and devouring the entire pantry!

*Standing in front of a full-length mirror and examining the pink, scar-like stretch marks on my thighs.

*Starting high school and stopping eating. Losing weight rapidly. Feeling proud and invincible.

*Being urged by my parents and friends to eat, EAT. Refusing. Watching my mother cry. Being the CAUSE of my mother's tears.

*Losing my period. Being instructed by a specialist to gain eight kg in the space of 3 months. Gaining weight, freaking out and becoming bulimic.

*Bending over a toilet bowl with my hand down my throat, choking on lumps of semi-digested bread.

*Trying to scrub the RANCID smell of vomit from my scarred and swollen fingers (swollen from acid damage and poor blood circulation).

*Suffering bad cramps in my calf muscles from dehydration.

*Experiencing such bad stomach aches that I could hardly breathe, let alone move.

*Feeling like my throat was on fire for weeks on end.

*Weighing myself each day before breakfast, after breakfast, after vomiting, after school, before dinner, after dinner, after vomiting, before bed... Feeling elated if the numbers fell, and miserable if they didn't, and totally frantic if they rose.

*Obsessively watching documentaries on eating disorders; reading articles; researching health risks; sticking photographs of rotting teeth in my diary... Anything to try and snap myself out of this cycle!

*Becoming a hypochondriac (yeah, no wonder!).

*Beginning gradually to dissociate from the world around me. Feeling like I was living inside a big, floating bubble. Wanting it to pop but fearing the fall.

*Feeling terrified, worthless, ashamed, disgusted, depressed, hopeless, bitter, tired, sick and lonely. But mostly just numb.

*Struggling everyday on my own for four months before deciding, finally to STOP. Relapsing into bulimia several months later, stopping, then relapsing again, and again, and again. Never telling anybody.

*Now - I haven't made myself throw up in over a month. I was going to tonight, but this site distracted me. So thank you everyone!

A MESSAGE FROM SHAYE



Those snapshots sound so familiar... :( It's tough existence being bulimic! I am so happy though that my site managed to distract you tonight from throwing up! You have gone a month with - and that is TOTALLY FANTASTIC! The first month or two are always the hardest!

Distraction is actually a really good tactic - whenever you feel like you need to throw up - do something you enjoy - listen to music - go on the internet - watch a good T.V. show... Do whatever it takes! Come back to my site if you need to and read more stories... Share how you feel... Just - try as hard as you can not to give in to bulimia...

Each time you resist the urge to throw up you will gain an ounce more confidence, an ounce more self-belief and and ounce more urge to keep going!

You can do it - KEEP UP THE AWESOME WORK!

Lots of love
Shaye


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program