SICK TIRED and IN PAIN
Ok, well I'm in the start of being bulimic. But I don't want to be. I binge too much, when I'm with my friends we buy tons of food and we are like yay fun. But we dont eat much of it, and I end up taking home tons of junk food. In my room with no friends no one seeing anything, I begin eating. Like today I had a bag full of powdered donuts, ate every one. And of course when I was done I just felt fat and decided I needed to force it back up. This happens to me about once every week and its getting worse, my mom wants me to talk to her not get me a frickin therapist, I had a therapist and now she is gone. I cant talk to my mom because I see her everyday and I feel judged, also my brother is so amazing at everything and I am just below him except I have an eating disorder. I feel every time I look in the mirror, oh my face is too round, I swear I have cellulite, but I dont, and I cant curl my stomach with out holding it to not feel the rolls, they disgust me, even though I know everyone has them, all my friends weigh more and are bigger but I cant stand it. They are so pretty and happy and have friends. I feel like I dont have any friends, and I'm paranoid about losing them once I get them, and that paranoia makes them go away. Then I am left alone, crying looking in the mirror then I go get junk eat allot and puke it up. Then I am left feeling sick and have my throat hurt, and be scared about getting yellow teeth. I know I can easily go for a run but instead I just go on my knees and let all of my problems flush down the toilet, hoping I will somehow end up prettier. But I feel really bad because I make my mom work out when I should be and tell her to try harder to work harder when really thats what I should be doing. All I want is to be skinny, happy, pretty, and have friends that will be there for me. But for now I'm alone sad and not going anywhere with the attitude I have.
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