Sick of Damaging myself
I'm sinking in a pool of shame... a cycle of purging. Running to the store and buying 'junk', just to quickly eat and throw up. Hiding my throwing up by having a plastic bag in my car, or going into the basement and faking to do laundry while vomiting. Cleaning up and then eating 'real dinner' like I'm normal. Looking at the pudding cups and attempting to eat only 1, but obsessing about the other pudding cups until I eat them all. I feel weak. I feel sick. I cough at night and my throat is sore. Eating spicy foods hurts my throat now and I'm petrified to tell any of my friends. The odd thing is I'm successful. Many people look up to me as a healthy inspiration. People say they want to be like me, look like me and wished they could be as confident as I am. Yet deep down I have this secret...this sick secret. A secret that makes me leave events early after stuffing my face with everything offered, whether it is a baby shower or graduation party. This sickness is horrible!! Eating is everywhere and you have to eat. It's not like drinking alcohol...that's easy to avoid because it's not a normal part of diet/lifestyle. Instead I have to battle with eating healthy without this urge to binge and throw it up. Every time I throw up I say to myself, "This is your last time! You need to stop this!" And lately the next day I do the same thing. I wish I could beat this... I have made it many months without a purge and then I start back up.
I went to counseling, I tried doing a bulimia work book, I listened to meditation CD, I told my mother and ex, I go to therapy now and I still feel like this is the hardest battle I have dealt with.
What works for you? What am I doing wrong...and why do I keep damaging myself?
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