SICK AND TIRED of being SICK AND TIRED
I am 19 years old and a freshman in college. My major is nursing...and i have an eating disorder. I have been hospitalized twice both for anorexia an bulimia. My eating disorder started when i was a sophomore in high school. I was a dancer, and there were girls on the team that were thinner than i was, and i started to develop a terrible image of myself. Our dance instructor was constantly telling us to diet and exercise and "stay in shape." She was an overachiever, and i started to be too. I started restricting, and finally after a year or so of being soo hungry all the time, i started eating. At first, it was so cool! I could eat whatever i wanted, how much of what i wanted, and as long as i snuck away ASAP and threw it all up...hence the word, ALL, i would be okay. It started to get to the point though where i wouldn't let my body even keep down water, that felt too disgusting, made me feel fat. I was hospitalized for dehydration as well. I was always big into babysitting and working. As much as the real me wouldn't have allowed it, the bulimia even followed me to the workplace. I would binge furiously while babysitting, putting my foods needs before the children. I would binge at the gas station at which i worked. I would sit in school and count down the minutes until i would get to go home and binge. Food was the biggest gift ever to me. I would sneak it, hide it, stockpile it, whatever the case food completely controlled me. I felt like i was always either in the kitchen or the bathroom. It was the biggest happy feeling ever when my parents would be gone and i had the house to myself, because that meant I COULD BINGE ALONE!!!! And ALONE is a bulimics favorite word (besides food.) Then the parents started to catch on and my world seemed to collapse around me. they sent me to a treatment center and i thought i was cured. I sorted everything out and i felt whole again. i began following an exchange system and doing everything and anything to stay recovered. Then i started to relapse again, and the bulimia was worse than ever. I was sent to the same treatment center again and was determined that this was the last time. I was doing so good until college started, and the loneliness came to play, college buffets, friends constantly eating, and it over took me again. Now here i am, sick again, and i am fed up with it. I still see a therapist every couple of weeks that specializes in eating disorders, and just yesterday i told her that i am truly sick of this. I have a boyfriend that i just moved in with and i am always planning my departure into the bathroom. I am spending all of my money on food. And i cant be a nurse with an eating disorder. i cant spend my life being a hypocrite. So here i am, pleading for help with whatever ounce or morsel of myself-the Amanda i used to be- desperate and ready to beat this. I am ready to grow up, get my college degree, and have a family and be the best mom and wife that i can be, and i know that none of that will be possible with an eating disorder. I started using my fitness pal on my smartphone and i keep track of whatever i eat during the day, and it tells me how many calories i need to consume in a day, and how many i have to go! it is an awesome feature and i encourage anyone who needs that extra help and motivation to check it out. You can also access it from your computer. Anyone who is reading this, i understand how hopeless you feel, because i am there again for the third time in this terrible journey of loneliness and darkness. but lets do this. lets beat this. Obviously this is possible because the author of this site has done it! God bless and keep fighting. i know i will.
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