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Should I tell?

by crystal
(united kingdom)

To Someone,

I don't know how to start or wether anyone will read this, or indeed wether getting this out will help... Sometimes I feel so alone, I cry myself to sleep most nights and really think about dying and how I would do it, what would be the easiest way (but I know I won't do anything, I'm too much of a coward for that)

I took antidepressants before, but I hate the way they make me feel, I'm not in control.

I'm disgusted with myself,I know I need help.

I've cut down a little on the amount of laxatives I take now, but I still can't shake that feeling that I have to do something when I eat too much - I have to get rid of the food from my stomach fast. I know it sounds stupid but the small cramps I get seem worth it for the feeling afterwards knowing it has all gone down the toilet.

I'm careful how many I take in one go, so it doesn't hurt too much, but still I know it's not normal to be like this

I want to tell someone, but I can't... My biggest fear is for my children, what kind of mother does it make me and would they remain in my care or be taken from me, so I carry on with my little secret (no-one knows, so no-one gets hurt.... except me)

I know in my head that taking laxatives won't help me lose weight, stop me from getting fat like my mum, make me feel less lonely or make my life any better in any way, but it's something that's mine, I thought I was in control, turns out maybe I'm not...

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program