Sexual Identity and Bulimia
This story doesn't have much of a conclusion, but I've never openly written about this before, and you know what? I'm sick of letting it be this dirty little secret of mine. And I also don't care if I sound perverted or disgusting.
My eating disorder has steadily and slowly evolved throughout my lifetime. I am now 23 and have been in therapy and treatment for over a year. I've never really addressed my nonexistent sexuality until now.
For as long as I can remember, I have been both terrified and sexually intrigued by fatness. In secret solitude, I fantasize about getting fat, and I fantasize about my stomach or someone else's getting bigger, basically. For whatever reason, the sexual arousal I get from this far exceeds any fantasy involving another person. It's like this subconscious obsession with fat that somehow got tied up with my sexuality.
I'm at a stage in my eating disorder where I binge and purge daily, into bags in my room mostly, and throwing them out in dumpsters secretly.
Another thing - I've never had sex because something in my psyche just won't allow it. I have a physical reaction to being penetrated - I gag. For some reason, my throat seizes up and I want to puke at the thought. Funny, considering the nature of my eating disorder.
Now, I know that it's a possibility I need to work out repressed memories of sexual trauma. Maybe I do. I'm not aware of anything.
But mostly, I'm just really confused as to how my sexual identity got tied up in imagining myself as weighing more than I do!
I just... I've never related to anyone about this, and it makes me feel alienated and different than everyone I've ever met in treatment. I feel like my eating disorder is way more extreme than everyone else's. It's like... I can't even explain how screwed up my thinking is. I'm not sure I will ever be able to figure this out.
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