I am bulimic. What? Did that just come from me? Yup. Wow, 7 years and I still cringe when I say that. Like many people, my bulimia started because I made myself just a little bit too full and all I wanted was to correct my mistake. So I thought, I can throw up just enough so that I can feel comfortable again. That became way too easy, and unfortunately way too frequent.
When I became a cheerleader in high school it worsened. It wasn't necessarily to ensure my uniform would fit right, it was more the fact that I'd always eat before a game and then not want to cheer on a full stomach. And it didn't help that my friend on the squad was also bulimic. We would binge and purge together almost daily before practice.
I have embarked on several horrendous binging and purging adventures but one in particular really disturbs me. I just can't quite figure out why I felt so compelled...So here's the story. My friend and I had spent almost 100 dollars on food one night. We ate every last morsel of food, and ate them in ways that didn't even make sense. We stopped actually tasting what we were eating within the first 10 minutes.
Then once we were about to explode we traversed to a building on my parents property with a sauna and extra bathroom. Now here's the messed up part. We set up a camera and filmed us practically projectile vomiting into the toilet. And we'd laugh as we took turns. I remember just shoving my finger so far down my throat, desperate to remove every last calorie from me. It stung as I dry heaved in between the occasional stomach acid that worked its way out.
I've basically eaten and thrown up that way ever since. I'm extremely ashamed of that story. It just strikes a chord with me, but as much as I hate it, it fuels me to continue working towards recovery so I never have to go back to moments and memories like those.
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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community