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Scared of a damaging future

by Brooke

I'm 16 and have been struggling with anorexia and bulimia urges for a while now, I guess it started once I moved to a new state and had to leave my boyfriend, I gained some weight and thought that if only I just lost it all, I would have friends suddenly and be happy. California had so many thin and more beautiful girls! What could i eat to look perfect like them? Before I used to eat smaller amounts of higher calorie foods and be thin! It was hard to maintain though and I started gaining some weight. I'm not even overweight right now. But anyways I started to diet and have binges once a week after I ate perfectly almost to celebrate! But that's a sick way to celebrate in some ways, not a good road. I always used to sneak foods in my pantry but it wasn't until I couldn't take the diet anymore that I started to sneak a ridiculous amount and hate myself. I barely had friends after coming here and loneliness started to fuel it. I gained a little more weight and dieted again-- such a vicious cycle! I guess it wasn't until one day I hated myself for not being perfect on the diet and went and threw it all up. It started to become a once a week thing and now Im the early stages of bulimia, I feel like it's early enough to get out, but I just am so scared of gaining weight or going on a diet again. Bulimia seems scary but easier. Im not sure what to do Shaye, I've tried eating 6-7 times in small amounts throughout the day but it makes it easier to binge for me. I remember recently my sister had a cupcake party and I just compulsively ate and ate until I felt so sick. I felt useless and shameful. I spent the next hour throwing it all back up and just cried myself to sleep. I'm on the beginnings of a downward spiral, I just can't even look at myself in the mirror without hating what I see: a pretty yet disgusting person, yet I never felt that way in the past THAT much! Is there anything I can do to get out of this before it's too far? I feel like 9 months of randomly binging and now 2 months in already of binging and purging isn't enough to be bulimic, can I stop it before it becomes many years of self hatred and loss of self control? Without gaining weight and hating myself even more? I'm scared I will get fat in any way.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program