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Scared I'm going to die and leave my child behind....

I have been bulimic for about 8 or 9 years now. I remember the first time I threw up, I had only eaten beans on toast but I felt just a little bit too full. I remember thinking "well that was silly" but that started a very long battle with this awful disease.

I started losing a lot of weight and at first everyone told me I looked great, but I soon became so thin that people began to worry about me, and my mum was so upset. My friend heard me vomiting in the bathroom and told my mum. She tried to talk to me about it but I just got angry and said it was only 'now and again'. The horrible truth was I was making myself sick after every meal, even healthy ones. I went to the gym every day and felt guilty if I missed it.

I had recently started a relationship and I was so in love but he was working away and the long distance made me feel sad and alone. I had also lost a few close friends. A year later I started university away from home. I realised I could still eat comforting foods and not put weight on, so I started bingeing and throwing up in my room. This continued for the 3 years I was there, and I even had a friend who was suffering and we would binge and purge together, laughing and joking about our love of food. I continued this for years, eating everything and anything until I felt like I was going to burst, then throwing up in the toilet, sink, bags, bottles or anywhere I could. I have blocked sinks and toilets and spent so much money on food I am now in debt on my credit card.

I have had numerous teeth pulled out and almost every tooth has a filling. My periods stopped for a few years, but thankfully they returned when I became a more normal weight (although still bingeing/purging). I was shocked to become pregnant at the end of 2008 and gave birth to a healthy baby girl in August 2009. I thought this would make me stop but it didn't, I carried on even though my daughter saw me with my head down the toilet.

4 days ago after a binge/purge when my heart was beating so fast and I felt sweating and panicked. I felt like I was going to die and I looked at my baby girl sleeping and I thought NO MORE. I have not binged or purged since then and I am so determined not to. I am so scared of dying and leaving my child without a mother because of my selfish habit. I have had heart palpitaions for a few days now and I think I have damaged my heart. Do you have any lasting effects?

I feel guilty, disgusting, ashamed. I can't tell anyone about this although I think people suspect I have an abnormal relationship with food. My man is still working away and it's so hard being alone all the time. I just want to help myself and I TRULY believe that with guidance I will not do this anymore I am so scared. I am so inspired by your story. Please help.


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program