Resolve, at Last
I am not even sure where my struggle started. I am 25. I just got married this past summer, I know I have been fighting EDs for at least 10 years, anorexia at first and then, later bulimia. Frankly,I don't know which was worse, not that it matters at this point.
Its so sick but I used to think it made me somehow special, like my ability to eat and eat and not gain weight was something to be proud of. How absolutely absurd. And so I clung to this like it was part of my identity, like it was something I was somehow good at. And unfortunately I was good at passing for normal, above average capabilities at work allowed me to scrape by with no one noticing - I hated that I knew how much more I was capable of.
I hated lying to my parents, to my friends (many of whom I have lost,) to my boyfriend and now husband. And yet none of that successfully drove me to stop.
And then little by little this special thing became a plague, an expensive vice, a terror. and little by little I started to give it up. First by stopping any night time binges, I refused to overeat around my husband or family, only eating large amounts or unhealthy foods when I was alone. Then I stopped the morning time binges, no more piles of pancakes, mcdonalds drive thru, or boxes of cereal.
And then, finally, my first b/p free weekend. It was so easy I couldn't even believe it. But then Monday I stepped on the scale and had gained 4 pounds, despite barely eating and having exercised. I couldn't believe it, I started to doubt my resolve and had this terrible terrible relapse. And then, Monday night, feeling guilty and unsatisfied with my b/p full day, I knew my time had come to give it up.
This site has been so helpful. I work from home so it is difficult to keep my mind on track all day but every time I check in here and read your stories I know I can do it. I know I am a strong woman. I know there is nothing for me in that old identity anymore. My new one is so beautiful, even though I am bloated, and my hair is shedding, and my tummy hurts, and I am so so so so gassy, I am beautiful. And I am proud of myself for the first time in so long.
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