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Relapsed for the last time I hope!!

by Lina

I'm 29yrs old and this truly is the darkest secret that I've been living with... It's awful I first started b/p when I was 13yrs old and after about a month I was caught by my patents and swore to never do it again! And I didn't until about my secon year of high school at 16yrs but it wasn't a regular thing until I was 17 and ever since then I think I've slowed down a few times but it's always really been there. I tried to stop so many times but I've just got the biggest fear of getting fat... At 23 I became a workout freak but that didn't stop my b/p at all infanct I would justify it.... When I turned 26 I was so depressed that I said no more and just vowed to stop, and I did or so I thought I was bulimia free for 6 months and after a night of drinking it crept up on me again. For those 6 months I was still very strict with myself infanct I became addicted to working out and had the leanest body ever so I was so happy but I was still very worried all the time about my weight so I guess it was exersice bulimia now looking back. So I slowly got back into the b/p cycle startin slow with once a day to my full on night binges. This lasted about 5 months and I stopped again!! And I was clean for another 6 months and then after a trip and drinking I relapsed again! I was in a foreign country where I didnt speak the language and with my boyfriend at the time who had his family, I was homesick and depressed beyond belief and found myself b/p to feel safe at least.
So again that b/p cycle lasted about 7 months and then I stopped for 10 months but still always feeling fat and very strict, so strict that I was very sick for a while. They had to do a colonoscopy and to prep for that they gave me a laxative that I kept and this is how it began I'd binge on pop corn and then use the laxative ... But the binges got worse and worse until finally I just purged. And that has lasted up until last Wednesday... With maybe a week here and there that I get so excited because I think it's done I've beat it but it gets me!!

I woke up Thursday and said I can't do this anymore!! The amount of money I spent and was spending was insane!!! I'm 29yrs and want to move out but instead of saving I spend up to $80 a day on binge foods.... It's crazy and then oh my god the guilt!! I hate myself for doing it!!!
And it feels awful that I work in the fitness/health/nutrition area ...I feel like such a hypocrit for telling my clients what they should do and how they shouldn't beat themselves up for setbacks.

So here I am 5 and a half days and I just really want this to be my real recovery... I don't want I go back to feeling that awful grossness from bulimia!!

Last week was the first week I really noticed how puffy my cheeks had gotten! I'm also super bloated and find that very challenging but I keep telling myself it's temporary and I'm healing.

I came across this site Wednesday night aftery last binge because my cheeks were so big and I think this might just be the little extra help I need. I don't want to keep this dirty secret anymore, not to mention I have no life because I'm always thinking of the next binge it's awful!!

So I'm really hoping that I've relapsed for the last time and this will be my real recovery!!

And a quick question should I just avoid alcohol all together since it seems to trigger a relapse with me?

Thanks for letting me get my dirty secret out!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program