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Recovery Struggles

by Ellie

I wake up each morning just trying to get through the day. I feel like I put on a mask of a person that smiles and laughs, but underneath it I'm near tears and shaking.

I HATE the person that bulimia has made me into. I have been working so hard to try and recover from this terrible disease that has consumed my life. I am currently on day 17 of being purge free! For me this is a huge accomplishment because I haven't gone that long without behaviors in two years.

I thought at this point I would have been feeling great, but I don't. I feel more depressed and I don't know if this is normal or not. Food is always on my mind 24/7, I can't escape the thoughts whether it be about binging, purging, or restricting. After every meal I feel nauseous and it is so difficult to sit through those uncomfortable feelings. I'm so tempted to give up.

I am almost half way done with college and instead of having fun memories of my two years all I have are regrets/bad memories. I remember the depressing moments, the moments I isolated to use ED behaviors, the things I screwed up. I screwed up so badly I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know how to function like a real person anymore.

I live this life of lies and secrets. I never give anyone the chance to know the real me. When does it get better? Because I need it to, I'm sick of feeling alone and depressed and anxious and like a failure :(

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program