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ever since I can remember I was always skinny. I was actually REALLY skinny. as a kid I would be the one who looked like I was a sick kid with not enough to eat .

but that changed when I went to high school. my friends were almost all chubby and over wight and they would always complaint that they were fat and needed to lose weight . at the age of 15 I finally started to gain some weight and not be under weight but by the time I was 16 I was X kg and I felt fat . for the first time. my eyes looked more smaller and swollen (im Asian) then usual and my face was just.. fat and chubby to me thats when it hit me. I was fat .

now I know it sounds weird because X kg was nothing and I was just.. healthy but looking good and skinny was one of the top comments I always got in high school from my chubby friends and I didnt wanna lose that compliment. so I started to notice on what I eat and take control .

One day I realized that if I puke out what I ate .. it felt lighter and that I wasnt that "full and fat" ...

it started one a week and some times I would forget to puke and have gaps for months until I felt sick at fat and full again ..

now im 18 and high school is over.. Im puking more then EVER. few days ago i puked 4 times a day .. i wont stop until i had to cry my eyes out when i puke ...

its been a month or two since my family members notice me lose dramatic weight in the last two weeks and i still fell fat and ugly.. my bmi is X and my face still looks fat to me, tho i know my body looks skinny sick and thin .. to me my face is never skinny sick or thin enough...

i realized this is a problem ....

every time i eat i feel like... i gained X kg on my chin and face .. every morning when i wake up i feel like my eyes are swollen and my face looks chubby everyday .. even when i am Skinner then my 15 years old sister and completely FLAT on my chest area .. losing my face fat has got me crazy and i cant stop makeing myself puke every time I eat ..

its so bad that now even wen i want to stop purging, i puke in my mouth when i burp ( unintentionally) everytime i eat something .. even on my empty stomach ...

i try to eat normal and not binge but i cant help myself and my the end ov the day i feel so sick and fat that i have to urge and ... the next day i feel depressed for purging and looking chubby on my face.. again.. it has to stop .

its hard.. i cant control myself .

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program