ready to be done with bulimia
I've been bulimic for over ten years as well, I know it started intermittently in high school.
I've gone through good times in those years where I didn't binge and purge for up to a month at a time, and I've gone through worse times where I did it three or four times a day. I read your story and I couldn't imagine trying to hide it 15+ times a day! For the past six months or so it has been an every day thing, at least once, sometimes twice a day, and I am so tired of it.
I can feel myself being pulled into the haze that you describe, and as it's happening my body feels so weak. I feel too tired to purge, though I try it anyway, and then I end up gaining weight from the excess calories that I consumed and didn't get rid of. I've gained five pounds in the past couple months.
Most of all I want to stop spending time on this stupidness. I don't want to have to sneak away to eat more, puke more. I really do keep busy, and still I find myself making time for this ugly disease. I hide it from my husband, kids, friends and coworkers.
I especially don't want my kids to have problems with bulimia when they get older. I think ice cream is my worst food, I buy it by the gallon size tub. It goes down and comes back up so easily.
I want to tell my husband but I am so scared that if I do he'll start watching and scrutinizing everything that I eat, and watching for me to purge, and the thought of him finding me puking is the worst thing I can imagine right now.
I know I can't beat this on my own, obviously I've tried that, but I don't know who can help me here without exposing my problem to everyone.
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