I've been bulimic for ten years. Being an overweight adolescent with skinny tennis-playing friends didn't help either. I hated the way I looked and it affected (still does) the way I interact with people. Being disgusted with the way I look has kept me locked up at home for weeks and even months at a time.
When I started to notice my heart beating irregularly, and the dizzy spells and blackouts, I would make sure that I drank about 2 litres of water and ate a banana or a pineapple or something high in potassium every time I b/p. There were years when I didn't do it as much, like maybe twice a week and there were years when I did it upto eight times a day. But somehow it just never occurred to me that I had a serious problem and that I had it under control. Three years ago I started exercising to keep my weight in check and to get into shape, thinking that once I started doing that I would no longer feel the need to b/p and before I knew it I had become obsessed with exercise and with food.
It just got worse. I continued to work out hard five or six days a week, doing powerlifts, and cardio and being anal about my eating habits. I planned my entire life around my gym and food schedule. But the binging never stopped, and I would feel so guilty after working so hard at the gym to stay lean that I would throw up everything and then do it again, maybe four times that same evening.
My face has changed shape and my bowels don't work. period. I haven't b/p in a month and a half. I realise that my problem is much deeper than just wanting to be in shape. I'm working on trying to like myself as a person.
I haven't told anyone about my problem. A year ago when I was living with my sister she figured out that I am probably bulimic and started making nasty jokes about it in front of other people and I was mortified. I made a huge effort to cover it up and I was so ashamed I would only b/p when she wasn't at home. But I feel like her making fun of me just made it worse.
The recovery process so far has been uncomfortable. I haven't had a single bowel movement that wasn't painful, I'm thirsty all the time, I get headaches and I can't stand any kind of noise or people talking loudly. It's frustrating but I'm determined that my struggle with bulimia is over.
Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Bulimia Stories.