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Questionably fit

by Nadia


I've been bulimic for ten years. Being an overweight adolescent with skinny tennis-playing friends didn't help either. I hated the way I looked and it affected (still does) the way I interact with people. Being disgusted with the way I look has kept me locked up at home for weeks and even months at a time.

When I started to notice my heart beating irregularly, and the dizzy spells and blackouts, I would make sure that I drank about 2 litres of water and ate a banana or a pineapple or something high in potassium every time I b/p. There were years when I didn't do it as much, like maybe twice a week and there were years when I did it upto eight times a day. But somehow it just never occurred to me that I had a serious problem and that I had it under control. Three years ago I started exercising to keep my weight in check and to get into shape, thinking that once I started doing that I would no longer feel the need to b/p and before I knew it I had become obsessed with exercise and with food.

It just got worse. I continued to work out hard five or six days a week, doing powerlifts, and cardio and being anal about my eating habits. I planned my entire life around my gym and food schedule. But the binging never stopped, and I would feel so guilty after working so hard at the gym to stay lean that I would throw up everything and then do it again, maybe four times that same evening.

My face has changed shape and my bowels don't work. period. I haven't b/p in a month and a half. I realise that my problem is much deeper than just wanting to be in shape. I'm working on trying to like myself as a person.

I haven't told anyone about my problem. A year ago when I was living with my sister she figured out that I am probably bulimic and started making nasty jokes about it in front of other people and I was mortified. I made a huge effort to cover it up and I was so ashamed I would only b/p when she wasn't at home. But I feel like her making fun of me just made it worse.

The recovery process so far has been uncomfortable. I haven't had a single bowel movement that wasn't painful, I'm thirsty all the time, I get headaches and I can't stand any kind of noise or people talking loudly. It's frustrating but I'm determined that my struggle with bulimia is over.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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