Putting the truth down in writing for the first time

by Ana
(Spain)

Hey! This is the first time I am in this website, and I hope it's really as amazing as all the comments say. I've been bulimic for a year more less and I am so ashamed of it, I want it to end, please, please, please!!!

I feel like in the past I've been either on spirals of depression and vomiting or on a starving diet doing crazy workouts trying to compensate the weight I've gained during the binge-eating-purging periods.

Because I don't know about you but for me it's really hard to vomit, I can't never get it all out so after, besides the guilt and self-loathing comes having to weigh yourself and start back on a diet.

My family doesn't know what's going on exactly, they suspect though, and my mum says I've lost my usual happiness and self-security.

The thing is I've really important exams coming, and I loose so much time and I feel so tired and awful after this cycles I can't study properly, and can't concentrate because I'm obsessing over food.

I feel like I'm not myself anymore, I used to invent stories while having mind-freetime, like when in the bus or at a specially boring class; now it seems my life revolves around food and it's all I think about.

I have a very strong will when it comes to some things, but no matter how many times I look myself in the mirror all slushy from having been bend over the toilet vomiting for the last half hour (it takes me a lot of horrible time), sore throat and chubby eyes from crying and promise myself that is the absolute last time I always seem to forget the day after. I feel stupid, and ashamed, and SO tired. This obsession is sucking my life away...