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Please take this away... i dont want it anymore. im sick of this

by Chi

When I was in the 2nd grade I was sexually molested by a classmate. Our classes had conjoining desks, everyday during class he would put his hands under the desks and between my thighs.. I thought nothing of it.. I thought it was normal. When I was 8 I was sexually abused by my next door neighbor. I don't understand why she did it. I will never understand why she did it.. what puzzles me about the abuse was that she was only a year older than me. I tell myself it doesn't affect me, but as I get older I understand that both abuses affected me tremendously.

By the time I was 13 my family moved to Australia and I gained almost 60 pounds.. I began wetting the bed, I stopped wetting the bed when I 16. I remember growing up and hearing comments always being made about my weight. At the age of 14 my mother started restricting foods.. I lost almost 30 pounds but gained it all back. When I turned 16 I was at one my highest weights...200 lbs I was only 5'2. I restricted myself heavily and I lost 15 lbs but I wasn't satisfied.. Last year I lost 20 more pounds bringing me down to 165.. I wouldn't purge daily but only when I felt like I needed to.

That same year I gave my life to God and met the man of my dreams.. I stopped purging completely for them.. I recently began re restricting my diet when my boyfriend left me.. and everything has been falling apart it seems like since then.. I am currently 155 ish and I am purging almost every meal. I miss God and our relationship.. I feel worthless and I'm ashamed of my body and myself. I hate everything about me. I wish I was never born sometimes. I contemplated suicide so many times... I feel like this life is a trap.. I don't want to be in the world. I want to do the right things.. but my lack of self confidence is ruining everything. God cant love me. I'm love less. I want this disease GONE. I'M SO SICK OF IT. I'M SICK OF MYSELF. I'M A FAILURE. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. I hate that i'm even alive right now. I don't know what else to say. I get up every morning and pray for strength and I go to sleep every night ashamed and disgusted.........i hate this. Someone please just make it go away.. please. I don't want it anymore. I just want to be normal.

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