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Please don't be mad.

by Allyson

I want to write you this letter to tell you something huge. A really big secret that I've kept from everybody for a while. I'm bulimic. I make myself throw up a lot. Like, a lottt. I try to act like everything's just fine, and act all happy & normal in front of people, but it's getting harder to do now. I eat normally in front of people, but they don't know that afterwards I go throw all of it up. All I think about is binging & purging and I don't why... I just can't stop now. It makes me feel better or something... when I'm stressed, I binge. Then I feel so guilty & have to purge. To make sure that everything I ate doesn't make me gain weight.

I started because I just want to be skinny, because maybe then everything would be better... life would just be better. But now I think I'm in too deep and I'm scared. Really scared. I've tried to stop on my own, because I didn't want to tell you and add to your stress. I know I'm supposed to be the "good" one and not cause you anymore problems. I know that, and I wish more than anything that I didn't have this problem because I know it's completely my fault. And I'm so, so sorry that I have to tell you this. I don't want to be a burden, I just wish this could go away on its own & I could be better... but it's not going to. I've tried everything, and this is too much for me to handle on my own. I'm so sorry. I wrote you this because I knew I'd be too scared to tell you any other way. I hope we can talk about this when you have time.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program