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My dream was to overcome bulimia - but it seemed impossible... I felt like a machine, programmed to EAT!
With my head pounding and my throat burning from acid, I'd yell "I hate this! I hate this! So why, why don't I stop!?"
Every time, the binge urges would lure me in with their false promises of happiness, contentedness and excitement... All I could think about was food, so why not satisfy those thoughts... "Just one more time"
But once I had done it, I felt so much worse. I felt disappointed, angry and in physical pain. I felt like I'd never overcome bulimia.
Bingeing and purging never made me feel any better, but there was something that pulled me to it... Like a bee to a can of coke!
Now that I have recovered, I can look back with a clear head on those moments where bulimia would steal my power...
I can see that almost every single time, there were either 1, 2 or 3 things that triggered it off...
I couldn't fight the urges when I was not nourishing my body properly.... My sub conscious mind would simply start screaming for food. If there were dieting thoughts in my head, or if I was trying to cut back on my food - I would slip into a binge almost every single time.
After years of binging and purging, those neural pathways of habit were incredibly well exercised! Sometimes out of the blue they would yell at me "Go binge" and they would keep yelling at me over and over and over again until I gave in!
Self abuse made my slips last far longer than they needed to. Self abuse kept me down by saying "I knew you couldn't do it". Self abuse also made me seek comfort in food - refuge from the unkind world I forced myself to live in.
Next time you have a binge urge, or next time you slip up... Turn criticism into curiosity and kindly ask yourself...
"Is it primal hunger, neural pathways of habit or self abuse that is causing this?"
Try your hardest to get to the bottom of it. Explore all options with love and kindness...
So grab a pen and a paper and write this down...
"Is is that I need to nourish myself, re-wire the habits or be kind to myself?"
Stick it somewhere that you see often... Allow yourself to get into the habit of using curiosity :)
One step at a time gorgeous girl... You will beat bulimia and reach recovery.
Loads of love,
P.S. Working on these 3 triggers is a KEY part of the online Bulimia Recovery Program that I run. Being aware of them helped me to overcome bulimia, it's helped many of the women in my program beat bulimia and it will help you beat bulimia too! :)
Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community