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Ongoing Nightmare

by A.C.G.
(Ohio)

I have been battling bulimia for three years now. When I was little I had no idea that I was even overweight until about 8th grade. In my head I never noticed because everyone in my family was very good about telling me how cute and beautiful I was. I didn't realize that I was over weight until in middle school when I would over hear people talking about me and how fat that I was. I was never able to get a date either haha. It got better when I started thinning out and growing taller. I finally was of a normal proportion, but not compared to my friends. When I entered college I noticed that everyone around me was thin and pretty and especially when I joined a sorority I could tell I was one of the largest even being just Xlbs at 5'9. One of the girls in my sorority had really started losing weight and claimed she had been doing weight watchers. When we all went out drinking one night she was really drunk and began telling me about how she would throw up to lose weight. I thought about what a dumb thing that was and how I could never do it. The very next day, I decided to make a change and hit the gym hard. I was always athletic and played many sports in high school so it wasn't hard for me to get back into the swing of things. I saw results within the first few weeks and everyone commented on how good I was doing. At that point, every time I over ate, I felt so guilty for ruining all of my hard work and began to throw my food up. I would hide after meals and instantly jump in the shower to throw up. I would then go to the gym for three hours and work off every calorie that I had recorded. This has gone on now for several years. Finally one day, my sister had caught me. I was mortified. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I tried to tell my Mom on many separate occasions but I just couldn't. I needed help and when I finally told my boyfriend he treated me like junk upset that I could ruin my body like that. The worst part was, is I really did work hard to get the body that I now have. If I do decide to purge it's only once a month if that. But, now that my sister has caught me and told my whole family, I can't escape it. Even when I'm eating and say I'm done they will say things along the lines of don't go throw that up now. It's so emotionally horrible. It's a mind game that will fuck with you forever. Even when I haven't done it in so long one large meal (birthday celebration, drunk night taco bell) will make you want to throw up even after you've lost X pounds and ran X miles the week before. I eat X calories a day which still isn't even close to the amount that you are required to eat, but even when you eat over X I feel guilty and ashamed. It's a mental battle. The worst part is that I can't even look in the mirror even after losing X lbs the right and healthy way and think I look good. I still see myself fat as ever even when I know I'm not right now when my weight is X. I mean for god's sake I weight Xbs less that I did in the 8th grade and I'm 22! I wish I never would have started. I no longer have periods which is most likely a result of my eating disorder and who knows on the inside whats going on. PLEASE DON'T START. I would have given anything for someone to help me through it and still hope someone can even when I want to relapse.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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