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One step at a time to bulimia recovery

It has been almost 2 weeks since my last purge... And i have binged only 2 times since then which is a big improvement from 5 times a week...

One of those two binges occurred just a few hours ago... I tried so hard to talk myself out of it and just write my speech for school that i have to present tomorrow - and still haven't started it.

It seems as though my eating disorder always puts itself first in my life...

If i don't want to do something, i binge so that i physically cant do it. It is so hard not to binge when that has been my only form of true comfort in the past three years.

Any boys that i have dated have always taken me for granted and eventually left, leaving me feeling even worse about myself. I had gone 4 months without binging and purging until January of this year. It wasn't until this week that i realized that even though i wasn't binging and purging, i was always restricting and denying myself food...

I made myself believe that i was eating enough and was nourishing my body but with the amount i was working out i wasn't getting enough food and that is why i kept getting skinnier. i recently saw a nutritionist at a hospital who specializes in eating disorders and she told me that i am not getting enough grains and my meals aren't big enough. so since Tuesday i have been sticking to a meal plan that consists of more food and in fear of binging, i have over eaten a little too but not binged besides tonight. Even though I know that i need to trust the doctors that are supporting me, i cant help having anxiety over gaining weight every second of every day...

And then tonight the fact that i binge makes me so disappointed in myself and its been so hard because i am gaining weight which makes me feel even more worthless. Also all of this internet and technology does not help, i don't like having to look at my facebook everyday and see how happy everyone else is and see my ex-boyfriends or have to make sure i don't look fat in pictures because i am so worried about what everyone else thinks...

I know all of these negative thoughts lead to binges but i cant seem to control them, i feel like someone else is in my head fighting with me and yelling negative thoughts at me when i look into the mirror... It is the eating disorder.

I know I am such a wonderful, amazing person and i deserve everything, i deserve to be able to live a life, not just go through the motions of life and hide away in front of my tv everynight and binge and purge. As Shaye told me a few weeks ago, recovery is in steps and no eating disorder free day is a waste. One step at a time.

I know that i am headed in the right direction but its just hard to persevere when you keep falling down over and over again...

There is a bulimia support group a few towns away from me on Wednesday nights, i really hope i have the strength to go... I'm just ashamed and embarrassed...

For all of you out there that are suffering or have suffered from bulimia, i send my love and support...

I know we will all overcome this.

We must not only have real hope but we must have real hope with real action.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program