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Not sure if I want to stop

by Abigail

My name is Abigail. I am 17 years old, and a junior in college couble majoring in Biology and Spanish with a 4.0. Everyone loves me and thinks I'm soooo smart. Yea...not smart enough to be healthy though.
I started controlling my eating every once in awhile in high school, toying with ana. I started a food diary, but it would only last a few months each time. I would restrict to under X or under X calories a day, but I was on swim team so I would stop when I hit a day where I did not have enough energy for practice. Looking back at this diary, I realized I began restricting on October 1st three different years in a row. Coincidence probably, but made me wonder a bit about seasonal depression type stuff.
Once I entered college, I still lived at home but my parents couldn't see what I was eating as much. I restricted and dropped about X pounds, to around X (I'm 5"4). After awhile I started allowing myself to binge on weekends so I could make it through a week of restriction. Then I started throwing up on those days because I would literally eat thousands of calories. At first I hated it, but it got soooooo much easier after a bit.
THen, I didn't clean well enough and my parents accused me of being bulimic multiple times. They actually heard m puking once which really screwed me over. Weirdly enough, after them catching me I now am almost strictly bulimic, I can't go days without eating because they would notice that. However, anytime they are away from home I head straight for the kitchen. I went through a phase where I was spending a ton of money in drive throughs and going to a mcdonalds and puking before coming home. I stopped that for the sake of money, but I still binge all the time.
They've had me seeing a counselor, but I lie to her and say that I am not doing it anymore. It's just too embarrassing to admit. Why would I tell a stranger that I B/P most days and sometimes multiple times on crazy amounts of calories? My parents are threatening to send me to rehab and at 17 my counselor can still talk to them-if I act like I can't control it, they will do that to me and I can't afford to miss my classes.
Meanwhile, I've developed major alcohol abuse problems (like the 60% of bulimics with other addictions) to the point that I'm such an idiot that I stole alcohol at work and literally blacked out and lied saying I was sick and left work. My boss noticed, and my parents caught me and forced me to quit that job. I'm about to see a new counselor, and I'm going to try to be completely honest.I have GOT to get the alcohol under control. But...the bulimia is still hard to tell the truth about. I don't know if I want to give it up. It's my security blanket. That sounds so fucked up but does anyone else know what I mean?

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