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not quite so perfect

by Lexi

I took the stage with a wide grin and winning attitude. I had done it, I was elected for my position as a state officer, I was perfect, I had the grades, the rich daddy, the leadership conferences, I was headed to college.

Except, those are just the things people saw. These are the things people expected of me.

They didn't see me the night before I won my election, bent over in the hotel bathroom hoping that my room mate wouldn't notice me throwing up, or that at 5' 1" and x lbs. I felt disgusted with my body.

They didn't see the way I was compared to my size x mom every day.

I didn't start bulimia as a way to lose weight, rather a way to avoid confrontation. Throwing up made me feel better. If I was really upset with someone it was a way for me to take things out on myself rather than on that person, there is nothing I hate more than confrontation.

So the golden girl, the one with the grades, and the rich daddy, wasn't so golden after all.

I told my best friend: she told me she didn't want anything to do with me unless I got help.

I never got it, that would require telling my mom. My mom who sees me as her easy kid, the one who always gets things right. Yes, my mom has a lot to do with my self confidence issues, she is constantly on me about what I'm wearing and how I look. I never feel good enough for her. Admitting that I have a disorder however, that's accepting defeat. Plus, she's my mom and no matter how bad she makes me feel about myself sometimes, I will always have a desire to impress her.

8 months later I told my boyfriend: he was understanding for about 2 weeks, and then he moved on to another girl.

I can't become this disorder though, I don't want to be the bulimic girl, I want to be myself. I want people to see me as the girl who's going to college, not the girl who lost it all for some insecurity. That's not what it is, not all of it at least, but highschool seems to have a way of twisting rumore around. The moment people see this about me, they change their view, and that's not a risk I'm willing to take.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program