NOT OUT OF THE BUBBLE YET,,,,,CANT BREATHE,,,,BUT STRONGER
To look at me I am a very attractive (kim k !) lookalike so everyone tells me!!) , and would seem confident to you. I only really appreciated that in the last few years, I HAVE BULIMIA NERVOSA, 20 years now. I am 37.
I was sexually abused by my fathers father aged 7, my mother covered it up when i told her in america on hols and it ended up in a horeendous cat and mouse game when I was 18 and it all came out.
My father was never the same bubbly man. He adored me but left my mother years later, they're friends only lately, but it will never be the same.
I am ,was, still emotionally spent as was the failures with family unempathically followed at that time. Remember, this is brushed away since aged 7. I always hated my body, nights in bed followed tears of disgust to try and feel NORMAL ,ACCEPTED AND ONE OF THE GIRLS AT SCHOOL.I dreaded it and putting on front, my vocation.
In teenage years the usual spots, body changes and hormones felt like vinegar on a wound as I felt so out place.I always felt fat and wanted to be the skinny actress in the movies( "PRETTY WOMAN" "HOLDS FIXATION FOR Me AT THAT TIME.)
A lot of my fathers family still dont believe me and what happened, they just felt sorry for the ED, BULIMIA. I dont care for them now though, i know what dads father did, hes dead now. God knows now too.
My mother had no tolerance , for anything with me , I was like a thorn in her side.I NEVER REALLY FELT LOVED BY HER , NOT AS A CHILD before incident , AND NOT WHEN I CONFIDED IN HER.
I was catapulted into a worlD OF BULIMIA. I remember the first time I got sick. I had come home from work at 19 , ate my dinner and had a toffee crisp.I stuck fingers down my throat and felt release at the contents spill onto the toilet, my world was never to be the same again,,, it had control over me ,,,but i had a secret.
My weight was going to be my world, my relationship and bulimia my so called "friend". It sits on your shoulder knawing at you, menacing, twisting your sobriety..it still does..
Bags of vomit, throwing them in bins , my mother finding one bag and looking at me like i was disgusting. Stamping on my esteem when finding bags of choc , crisps and food stashed waiting to be devoured ,i was asked "was i was going to "gorge" myself, shed say.
Yet i still looked for her love and acceptance.
Years of counselling have given me strength to find my bizarre confidence and the pheonix i have inside, i believe my angel is and has always been with me since my first breath,,
Im still vomiting , not 20times a day ,, but hating it now,,dreading loving it ,,yet i have great strength in getting where i want to be
im seperated, 2 years bought my own house, have 7 year old boy and done my modelling portfolio.. have a lovely man , but he dosent know im bulimic ,, im scared. i know he would be lovely bout it but my ex was very abusive and cavalier to me during the seperation calling me a pyscho .. i am a briliant mother. i will never forgive him for those sayings ,, he knew what i went through. I am the "part time bulimic" because now i know ive moved away from its meaningless ways in the past. Its a bad friend that pops up now and again.
i just really want to be 100% better,, not think of the day ahead hoping it wont happen.. ive cried till ive screamed .. i cried out to talk some days to someone , anyone when my stomach aches after and my heart is low,, each tear helped me get stronger,, im learning.. im growing.. i want to be the best for my baby boy.. and i am...
i pray my angels stay and pull me through,,my hand is pushing through the bubble,, and if you look close my knuckles perforate it with such force,, resistance to the bad friend will prevail pg xxx :) g xx