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Not knowing what my body wants!

by KK

I've had bulimia on and off for about five years now. I haven't always made myself sick regularly, although it was always 'on the table'. It's started to creep back in again... I've always watched what I eat ever since my allergies to certain foods was diagnosed about four years ago. Everything I've read on this website mirrors so much of my own experience, it's almost eerie! Beating myself up for wanting food / saying what can go wrong, just eat it, everyone else does / having one piece which never ends at 'just one piece'. I believe I'm an expert at beating myself up now...

A couple of weeks ago I made myself sick and it was that act which scared me as I actually hurt my back. I also had some very small red dots all over my face (especially around my eyes) and down my neck which were burst blood vessels... (I've had this before). My chest really hurt for about a week after. Luckily I found this website and used the recipe for the life-saving smoothie, which I thought really helped to soothe me, both physically and emotionally.

I have had a couple of times after when I've felt I've lost control, especially with sweet things. So now I'm finding myself in a situation where I'm really scared to eat anything sweet and especially eat chocolate (although I go for the really dark so it's definitely not sweet stuff). If I have anything that tastes sweet I spit it back out again now, just in case.

I'm now fearful of this escalating, and being so petrified to eat anything with sugar etc that I don't know what to do. There's a part of me that would like to eat a sugary something to avoid it getting scary. I'm even worried about having one of the smoothies (although I shall try tomorrow). For the past week, I've been trying really hard to listen to my body, and find out what it would like to eat, rather than me thinking in advance all the time (and not sticking to it so beating myself). It's really tough, especially when I fear bingeing and so many different foods.

I'm just so scared of making myself sick again, although I think about it pretty much after everytime I eat, because I think I could really do myself some damage after the last time (which was really distressing).

I've been looking for a safe place online to say some of this stuff, so thank you for reading / listening.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program