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Not doing this again; I can't.

by Sara

Last night I did something. Something I hadn't done for nearly four months. Something I regret. Last night I stared down the toilet, trying to be strong, trying to resist the urge but I knew my mind had already been made up. I was going to throw up after 4 months of being binge/purge free. 

I guess in the end the weight gain got to me. I couldn't handle the weight I gained. Life's starting again; schools  back, dancings back, seeing people, going out. I can't handle the weight I am. The last four days I gained so much weight, I'd just gone on the biggest binge and ate 24/7. I don't know why, I just did. And it ended with my head down the toilet. 

All the feelings I tried to forget came back. My chest ached, my mouth tasted acidic, I felt sick to the stomach. 

My mum had to spend $800 to fix my teeth. I had holes all in my back teeth. At first I didn't know why my teeth were so bad, I don't eat much sugar? But then it clicked, my bulimia. No one knows that's the reason, not mum or dad or the dentist but I do. I feel guilty. 

I don't want to get caught it this cycle again. I won't. After throwing up last night I just want to do it again and again. But I can't. I can't afford to get stuck in this cycle again. This exact time last year is when my bulimia spiraled out of control. I won't go there again. But I'm not going to run from it. It's time to face up to what I am, who I am, what I have and deal with it. Do something about it. I'm not going to hide and write a fake name on here because I'm so ashamed. 

Bulimia ruined my life last year, and I will NOT go through this year the same. I already feel so stressed and upset and it's only the start of the year. I have no self confidence, none at all.  It's time to turn my life around. Time to be the person I used to be. I'm sitting here at school, writing this. Everyone around me is so happy. Or crying because of a fight they had with their boyfriend. They don't know what I'm going through, what I'm fighting. Their problems are minuscule compared to what me and every other person suffering an eating disorder are going through. I hope I can get through this, I really do hope.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program