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Not Caring About Who Hears Me Puke

by Melanie
(Maryland)

I'm 16, and I've been bulimic for 2 years. The severity of it goes up and down, but recently it's been awful. I've been making myself throw up about three times a day. I've been sent to a residential treatment center and I've been here for 6 months because I tried to kill myself with pills. There are a lot of girls here who have or have experiences with eating disorders. Just yesterday I gave this girl a drink, gum, and I helped her clean up the puke that she left on the toilet seat. Also, quite a few of the girls know how frequently I have been throwing up, but they don't seem to mind. Actually, one girl was actually curious, and she wondered if she could watch me throw up. I had eaten a lot of mashed potatoes, potato salad, and bread, and the overwhelming thought of carbs and calories was too much, I knew I had to purge. I was actually COMFORTABLE with her watching me, because it made me feel less of a freak. That doesn't make much sense, but I hate the isolation that comes along with bulimia, and how hard I have to work in order to hide things and be secretive, so having her there made me feel less alone.
Usually I try so hard to throw up without anyone noticing while I'm at my treatment centers, but sometimes I go out to restaurants with my family or friends, and after we eat, I run to the bathroom and I purge. Sometimes I'm alone, but sometimes there are people in the other stalls. The urgency of having to rid my system of those disgusting calories overrides the need to hide my bulimia. And I tell myself that these people are strangers, and what could they do? They probably just think that some poor girl is sick, or a self-conscious teenager is making herself throw-up, the latter of which is true. The worst they could do would be to throw me a dirty look or maybe ask if I was okay, but I'm totally fine with that, as long as I'm able to throw up.
I realize that as my eating disorder progresses, my dignity and pride digresses. I feel like shit all the time, and I hate myself for not being able to stop. I don't want to get professional help, because I've already been there and it didn't help AT all. I don't know what to do.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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