Not Bad But Still Sad.
by Toria Martini
So I've been bulimic for about two months, and I know that's nothing compared to other but for me, someone who would have never considered it it was a long stint. Yet, it didn't feel like a stint. It felt like a way to stay in control, a way to release the negative tension from your body. I would keep a small breakfast down, or at least one meal, and then at night I would puke in the shower until each heave make my stomach curl. Until the only thing that came out was bile, and even then it didn't seem to be enough. I still felt gross and disgusting from the food I ate that day. I don't know why I started to do it, I think a part of me wanted a way to be in control and this was that way. I've decided to stop because, well I don't really know, I woke up one day and decided I would keep the food down. And so far, I completely regret that choice. I'm bloated and gaseous and I have a constant headache, and of course I've gained weight. All these things combined make me feel out of control and this makes me want to rush to the shower and puke until I can't anymore, but a part of me is saying that I should stick it out, stay strong and try to move past this. It's just so hard with all the pressure to look good and be skinny, to fit into standards that you might not even believe. I may not have thrown up every meal or have been addicted to this for years, I'm still having a hard time moving past it. Right now, as I type this I'm trying to hold myself back from running to the bathroom, running the shower, getting on all fours and heaving until I feel empty. I have no reason to stop, I lost weight when I purged and I didn't feel bad about it. The only holding me back is the fact that if I continue down this way, when I do eventually stop I'll have to go through all this suffering again, and I'd rather get through it sooner than later.
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