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Not All is Lost - Rose's Bulimia Recovery Journey

by Rose


This is not my full story; it is more of a diary-like rambling of my thoughts that is much needed at the moment.

To begin with, I stumbled across your site after googling 'bulimia cheeks' (or something like that). Yes, it was pure vanity that set the ball rolling, but when I clicked on this site, something clicked inside of me. Everything that you write is so real- so real, in fact, that I wonder if you're real. Does that sound crazy? Maybe. But this is coming from the girl who would (and still could) eat a huge bag of doritos, a package of double-stacked oreos, a dozen donuts, a can of spinach dip, a box of cheez-its... (you get the picture), all in the span of one hour. Then, it's a simple matter of finding an empty bathroom on campus. Purging is easy; I've never used laxatives or stuck my finger down my throat. With one heave, everything (all 40 dollars worth of food) is gone. If someone sees bits of food left in the toilet or smells the vomit, there is no way for me to be connected to it. Sounds great, doesn't it? This situation is the fantasy of every bulimic, and I have been caught in its web for far too long. That is why I am here.

I love how everything on this site is SO REAL. I cried when I read the page about the symptoms of bulimia (and I never cry!).It was a page that could have only been written by someone with personal experience; someone who once shared the same problems as I. Your site has changed my life. I'm not exaggerating- in the past 4 years, I have barely gone a day without purging. In the past three weeks, I have lost control on only one day. That day was today.

Three weeks is not a long time, but to me it is an eternity. Yesterday at this time, I proudly told myself that I was bulima-free, and that I would never again willingly hang my head over a toilet. Today, my control wavered (there was no particular reason; I just craved a chocolate bar), and I went to the vending machine. Well, after three weeks without a single sweet, my body (no, Bulimia), wanted more. I made a second trip to the vending machine and then a third. After the fourth, I pulled out my wallet and headed to the grocery store. You can imagine what happened.

Six hours after I lost control, I thought that all was lost. I thought that tomorrow would be a continuation of today, and that all of my work in the last three weeks would be completely undone. On a whim, I visited this site, and something that you told another person struck a chord deep inside of me.

"You have made it 18 steps forward and one step back."

Wow. My former philosophy (19 days purge-free! No sweets to speak of! Control, control, control! Let's make it an eternity!) was wrong. I will not be starting all over again tomorrow; I will simply be continuing the process, with only a minor slip. Instead of counting the days, I will count the steps forward that I have made. 19 steps forward and 1 back is not the end of the world. And you made me realize that.

Thank you.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program