Nobody to Talk to

by Carissa
(NY)

This isn't exactly a story, moreso how I've been feeling over the past few months. My obsession with healthy eating and working out started about a year ago, but I actually started throwing up in January, so I've been bulimic for 4 months. This has been the worst four months of my life. I'm a 17 yr old senior in high school and I feel like this should be the best year of my life.

I always carry myself to be a happy, fun-loving girl. I'm always there for my friends when they need me, I love listening to their problems and giving advice. Everyone always thinks I'm so happy and insightful, they wonder how I always keep a smile on my face. But I'm really not that happy. It's mostly all an act, because would hate to be that one girl who is always depressed and complaining about their issues. I don't want to burden anyone.

The first person I told about my bulimia was my boyfriend of 2 and a half years, who has been my ex for about a month. I have no feelings towards him whatsoever right now, long story short he's an asshole. But the one thing I do miss about him is that I could talk to him about my bulimia and he would listen and just be there for me whenever I needed to talk. He cared and wouldn't think I was overreacting. He was very understanding. I told my 3 close friends, but I don't really like talking to them about it because I feel like I'm burdening them. They say there always there for me, but I can tell that whenever I bring it up they get annoyed. Even if they don't get annoyed, they just don't understand. So why bother talking about it with them?

I told my parents about a month and a half ago. They were worried about me, but they say they kind of suspected it because I was always so picky with what I ate. They had me evaluated by a psychiatrist last week. And now they are looking into getting me a dietitian, and therapist and I'm getting a physical next week to make sure everything is okay with me physically. They say i can talk to them about it, but whenever I do they don't understand. I woke up this morning feeling depressed, I have a major headache and my throat is swollen and it hurts so bad. I tried talking to my mom about how I was feeling, and that a common thing in bulimics is to have swollen lymph nodes, and since I purged so much yesterday I'm scared. She then tells me that I'm overreacting, and I'm not depressed I'm just sick and taking my anger out on everyone around me. I told her that I throw up several times a day sometimes, and she told me that I just need to stop doing it. She doesn't understand that it's not that easy.

Even when I eat something as simple as a salad I purge it. Purging has just came to easily to me now, I don't even have to force myself to do it. My body automatically makes me throw up after I eat anything. I try my hardest to stay away from anything with carbs- like bread or crackers. I throw up several times a day. I don't remember the last time I didn't throw up this week. I can't stop I feel like this is consuming me and I hate it. I force myself to workout everyday but I'm exhausted. I want to work out so badly right now but I feel so sick that I can't, and I know I'm going to hate myself later.

I just wish i had somebody to talk to that would understand. But nobody does. I feel like nobody is there for me, not even my own parents.