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No One Understands :( my bulimia story

I used to be extremely overweight, almost obese. My mom was too. When I was about 11 she decided she wanted to lose weight, and she did. She lost 55 pounds in a little less than a year. In that year, it feels everything changed. All she talked about was being healthy, and they removed all my "treats" from the house. They continually told me I needed to be healthier, and while I know their intentions were good, it still hurt. I would binge outside the house. I remember spending hours coming up with plans to binge. Once I made plans with a friend and then canceled and while my parents thought I was at her house, and she thought I was at home I snuck off to subway and bought 12 packs of chips and just ate and ate. I remember a group of older guys watching me practically laughing. After that I went home and cried and cried and just threw up. I didn't stop until I saw the last bit of chips. That was my first purge.

At first I was still in control, I only threw up like once a month, though I continually overate. But as the year went by it got worse and worse. I stopped binging altogether but I continued purging. I would purge after something as simple as broccoli. My friends started to catch on and I told one that I was closest to, but she only told all my friends, so I pretended it was just a try for attention, and they believed me. My parents demanded to see me eat after trying to starve myself so I did, and I purged in secret and they were left to wonder why I still lost weight. My mom even contemplated taking me off the swim team. I begged her not to, and promised to gain. But I didn't. It felt like each time I ate, I would gain 100 pounds if I didn't throw it up. And just like that, I was addicted. I tried to reach out but my mom and dad were already so weird about it, I was afraid to come to them. So it became my dirty little secret. I want help. I want to get better. I'm not even fourteen yet (birthday in 3 months) and I don't want this disease to rule my life. I don't want people to catch on. I want to be this perfect little smart girl everyone loves. I just want HELP! But I can't turn to anyone, not a counselor not a friend not my family. Who do I turn to????

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program