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No one knows my secret. You do now.

I am not fat but I think I am.  I see what others don't.  I am a a nerd at heart but I can't be me with bulimia.

I am not fat but I think I am. I see what others don't. I am a a nerd at heart but I can't be me with bulimia.

I remember the first time I intentionally threw up. I had just eaten way to many slices of Domino's pizza, and I felt sick. I was sitting around the Tv with my family, and all of a sudden, I burped and some of the pizza wiggled its way up. A thought struck me. I got up from the couch and walked to the bathroom. I purged for the first time with ease. I washed me hands and came out, feeling not bloated, not full, and smug. "I could do this whenever I over eat," I thought. That was in 8th grade.

I am entering my senior year of highschool in two weeks. I have thrown up twice today after binging. I have struggled with bulimia for almost five years. I have kept it a secret to this day: No one knows. My bulimia started really picking up when my parents divored and my mom left. I would eat food and purge, and it gave me control. I have had periods of good times and bad. At my wort I was a sophomore and I would purge after everything up to ten times a day. Now it's once or twice a day depending on the day.

I don't consider myself a normal bulimic. I am a cross country running healthy freak type. I love my body and want to help it. I love food. I know when I can eat food and I usually only eat the healthy types anyways. But I have little self control. I hate that I do this to myself. I have been able to tell no one. My best friend still doesn't know and I live with my dad, the typical cluless to womens' ways man. I rarely throw up during XC and Track season, but the summers and weekends are bad. It's summer now and I eat when I'm bored.

One of the most nerve wracking bulimia experiences I had was in SLO at a plaza. Me and by BFF of 10 years had just eated love it sized Cold Stones icecreams. I needed to get it out of me. I told her I felt sick. I pretended to have to go throw up. I faked throwing up unintentionally in the bathrooms, pretending I was sick. My friend said that the women in the bathroom were worried I was a bulimic. She didn't seem worried, though.

As I said earlier, I fel unnormal, but perhaps I am the stereotypical bulimic. I am a straight A student, I've had straight A's forever, never one B. Ever. I do everything. I am nice to everyone. I am athletic. I feel fat though. I think I have body dysmorphic disorder. I compare myself to the other girls I run with. I feel fat. I am a model student. I am the President of clubs. I am well known in my community. People see me as a perfect person sometimes but I'm not. I am not perfect. The bulimia is the only thg holding me back. It is the thing I don't feel confident about.

I have a great self body image sometimes and other times I feel fat and ugly. I am not but I still feel that way. I can't tell anyone. I've never writen in a blog about this. I've never told anyone. I've tried so many times to quit. While I can for a while, (the longest period was about two months) I start right back up. I feel weak like I can't conrol myself. Food is not stronger than me.

I didn't learn about bulimia from the internet or school. I was homeschooled when it started. I did this on my own. I used to be pudgy. I thought I needed to lose weight. I still do. I am so athletic though. I have beautiful mucsles and gorgeous hair. I don't know what to do. I am scared to tell anyone. I will continue fighting myself to quit. I am disgusted that I choose to put my finger down my throat. I can control it because it's my will, but I can't control my will sometimes. I need to stop. I need to fight this stupid part of my life.

Know that you are not alone. I seem normal, happy, and healthy for the most part to others. And I am. I just have this dark secret I keep fighting without success. I know I will have success eventually.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program