No more sadness...My Bulimia Story
My earliest vomiting was into a bucket when I was 14 years old playing and making challenges with my friend from the school at my house after lunch, I thought it was a fun. My mom always used to tell me: don’t eat too much, if you are hungry take water, made me to do diets even when I was thin and push me into the modeling when I wanted to act in the theater. I was 15 years old when my mom catch that I’ve been vomiting in the flat roof of my neighbors for she couldn’t notice.
I was sexually abused many times for a man who I thought he was my father, I felt abandoned ‘cause I told my mom what was happening with that man and she told me I have to forget it , when I was growing I started to reject my own body, I wanted to stop it, I desired my boobs and my butt disappearing. I`m from a Latin America country and have curves is a character of the women here and it must be sexy and feminine, but I detested them. I used to swim and I was a selected girl for the national federation in my country and I started to feel ashamed for my body because I thought it was too fat, I’m the only daughter of my mom and I felt renounced again because she worked all day in that times, so when I was 14 I renounced the sport and ate a lot of food desperately in a try of calming my suffering so I get overweight.
All my friends and family started to tell me that I gained weight, and how beautiful I was before, sometimes they made cruel comments and I felt worse than before with my body. I couldn’t support that pressure anymore and I stopped eating and vomited the food that I usually ate so that the others didn`t notice, so I lost a lot of weight and I was thinner than before, every time I ate I felt bad really bad, dirty for the food in my stomach I fit wasn’t fruit, vegetables or yogurt.
I took drugs and I heard some of them are good for stop the appetite, so I used them thinking they were a good replace for not be in my body that I rejected and stop eating, I started to take alcohol too for calm my emotions, I thought it was working but it was becoming my worst nightmare. At the beginning I badly thought drugs and alcohol will free me from bulimia but the true is that they made me more unconscious of my body. So after some months I get back to vomiting and started purges, and that was the cycle drugs and no eat, alcohol and no eat, eat and vomit – purge, the cycle was in a day, or maybe in a month with 2 weeks taking drugs and alcohol for avoid binges and purges, or maybe a month, and then come back, that was for 6 years. I couldn’t keep my studies in university, I moved away from my family, my life was a totally disorder.
When I was 21 get recovered from drugs and alcohol abuse, I get into an addiction center and after that went to A.A and frequently to see a therapist for work about what I lived in my childhood. I came back with my family and my relationships and studies were going well, I have 3 years sober now, and I tried to stop my bulimia, but I never talked about it with nobody, I could stop for almost 8 months, at the sixth month I was operated and the doctor removed my blister. I remember that before I did not stop to vomit until the bile leave. All my lifestyle and alimentary disorder affected my digestive system, but 3 months ago I lost my “control” and I started to having binges and purges again, and I felt really guilty for do it , after doing it appear injuries in my mouth and my throat hurt me a lot. I know I’m making me damage, and I know to I can`t surpass this alone.
Bulimia doesn’t let me be honest with myself (with what I have, with what I am) and with the others. I’m afraid of cause me a serious damage, it doesn`t let me the person I want to be.
I want a long and healthy life, with spiritual, mental, and physical peace. I want to have a beautiful family and surpass me as a person. I don`t want to suffer anymore. I Want to be a successful professional and sportive woman, practice scuba diving around all the oceans in the world (well, at least the most important oceans), live in the jungle of my country and have an ecological business, a farm for live with solar energy and exotic plants, with a place for ride horses, I want to be happy…
So I found this website a week ago completely yielded, in a desperate intent of aid and now I’m making the steps, first thing I did was talk about my illness with a counselor and friend of mine, and to my best friend, and contrary to what it thought, they reacted well and they did not judge me ,and were not alarming, they offered me their support. The other thing that is helping me is taking the electrolyte replenishing smoothie every morning and having a structure plan of alimentation. Making a list of gratitude and affirmations are going well too, but the mainly event was find this web with people (women) that are happening for the same experiences that me and thanks a lot Shaye for your words, messages and bulimia recovery program ‘cause is helping me, it rescue me out of this black hole of guilty and pain, thanks since my heart and soul :)
You are a precious women Lou... A beautiful soul - it radiated from your writing. Congratulations on starting this amazing journey of recovery... Keep pushing forward. I promise that all the challenges are worth it! You deserve that peaceful life you talk about :)