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No control

I've been battling an eating problem since 13
And I'm now 24, I'm a healthy weight & look great I work out & seem fine if ur not close to me. I live with my boy friend Dog & cat & hav a good job & study naturopathy But I feel out of control like I'm always fighting like I don't enjoy all
The beautiful things I have that others would kill for & I do stupid thing all because of my obsession with food My BF Would wonder about my crazy mood and my antisocial behaviour
But doesn't know whats really wrong with me
He knows I've got issues. my mum abandoned me & my brother at 15. After my dad sexually abused me & i told her, I looked after my brother & coped as best I could
But I've developed issues I don't even know how to get out off. And I don't trust anyone close to me to stick around if I tell them I can't
But I want to be happy & love life & what I hav
I've forgiven my mum & we get on well
My problem is food I control what I eat because I know how to eat
but eat what I can all in one go & in an out of control zombie like way
Then binge & spit out tonnes of food.
I want to heal but I'm in a vicious sphycle
That I can't seem to escape mentally & physically
I want it to just end it's like it is me & I hate myself for it
Cos it's stupid I dont know what to do its been so many years & change feels impossible but so does what I'm doing

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program