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new country new beginnings

by anonymous

dear reader,
I am levnik a 21 year old male bulimic, it all began when i was in the fifth grade, I gained a considerable amount of weight because of anti asthma medication, bulimia started suddenly and without warning the next thing I knew I was throwing up every single thing that I take in. back then all of my loved ones knew that I was vomiting ever so often, but they thought that it's just a result of overeating hence they let it pass, I lived like that for another three years. Bulimia is something that is unknown to me or my family until one day during our health class in grade 9 we discussed anorexia and bulimia. From then on I knew I have a serious problem, I tried talking with my friends about it but you know how it is in school people only care about playsations and xbox nobody wants to hear about weight problems and depressing stories. During that time I was still able to gain weight, despite of my efforts to get rid of the unwanted food that I ate the bitter reality that I am still fat continued to haunt me. It was when I first fell in love that everything took a turn for the worst she was my best friend I fell in love with her from the moment I saw her but I have way too many padding in my body that when I introduced my self she instantly made me her bff as if I am a life size huggable teddy bear. Now being the bestfriend of the woman you love has its perks apart from being with her all the time I also became privy with her secrets her crushes and of course I knew what her ideal man is like, well guess what she has a thing for guys with a nice and athletic body I can confidently say that I had every other characteristic aside from that abs that she so much adore so I turned to my good ol fingers to do the trick I was bingeing and purging in an alarming rate but now I knew better I was losing pounds people would definitely start to notice so I got involved with badminton and track and field to serve as decoys for my bulimia, I lost so much weight I would say that from a X bmi score to a flat X but still I didnt stop as matter of fact it got worse up to the point where I totally mastered the art of silent vomiting. I was like a ninja. I can hold my vomit on my mouth then spit it out the moment I have a chance when ever where ever I was like a human regurgitator. Through out my high school life I continued to be a functioning bulimic two years of doing that I finally mustered the courage to confess to my best friend that I am in love with her but sadly she did'nt think that I was attractive enough thus making me strive harder to achieve the appearance she like. The last two years of high school was the peak of my B/P habits. I wouldn't stop vomiting until it's only gastric juices that I vomit, after graduation I decided to take nursing as pre med partly because of bulimia I thought that I can control it or at least prevent horrible things from happening, well Im not dumb so I was aware of all the harm that I am doing to my body from the very start and nursing school supplied me the knowledge to combat electrolyte imbalance I always take pepto bismol before purging so that the gastric juices would be neutralized and my esophagus would be protected, I have pedialyte and gatorade all over our house for easy access I got a hold of beta blockers for chemical cardioversion in the event of an svt attack I often complain about cramps and involuntary eyelid movements so that I can have regular blood electrolytes exam I complained about anxiety induced arrythmia so that I can undergo a stress test and have a holter ECG monitor attached to me I always make sure that I am healthy enough to continue what I do. I became a master of deception I learned to vomit in cranberry juice bottles soda can and coffee tumblers I was a frigging mess. During my third year in nursing school I became a reinvented person. I was the captain of the badminton varsity I was the president of the debate team and a constant dean's lister. I thought all of that would change the way I look at myself but no it did'nt have any effect I am still that fat kid who is craving for attention. I am still a drone that is careening into the void that this disease got me into, then I met the person who changed my whole life, my girlfriend she is the smartest person in all of our university so I knew exactly what is coming, she will find out that I have a dark secret and leave me but surprisingly she told me one time that we were watching a movie "I know what you did" (well obviously I was in the washroom getting rid of the coke and those fattening corndogs and popcorn) then she went on and told me that two week in our relationship she noticed my teeth and she saw the bottle of maalox that I bring with me every where but she told me that listerine breath spray and my obsession with perfumes gave it away, then I confessed to her about the basics, things that are pretty much textbook knowledge then out of a sudden she cried and begged me to stop it and talk with a psychiatrist about my problem, seeing her stressed up like that convinced me to go to a shrink and within six grueling months of therapy I finally made a big enough progress that I felt that I am finally on my way to recovery back then I only vomit when I am so full like whenever I eat at a buffet. I was doing so good until I saw my best friend again. We hooked up (I know Im an ass) then suddenly all of the memories came back that's when I had my first relapse but it was thwarted by all the support that I got from my friends and my very understanding girlfriend once again My body mended. I got my nursing degree and now Im pursuing medicine here in north america I am fairly new here just about 5 months and my bulimia got the best out of me again I didnt know why or how or when exactly did I start to B/P again I just woke up having that feeling of paranoia and anxiety from then on I knew that it's back and now being in this foreign land gave me a new hope that perhaps I can reinvent myself again and finally get rid of this debilitating illness that consumed my thoughts for almost as long as I can remember.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program