New bulimic.

by Cheryl
(Singapore)

I'm Cheryl and is 16 years old.
I am fairly new to bulimia, just a few months old bulimic...

But bulimia is ruining me. I think about food and my weight 24/7.

Its nuts. I'm anxious most of the time. For what? I don't even know myself.

I wear big flabby clothing to hide my meat and fat... its just so horribly disgusting to me.

I feel so fat...and ugly...my body is all just fats...fats and more fats and flabby arms, huge tummy and just meat with fats...I have incredibly low self-esteem and low self image...I'm at a loss on how to improve my self-esteem.

I'm also beginning to avoid crowds and going out with friends...i just feel hideous and disgusted with myself.

Honestly, weight loss is not my top priority, I am not obsessed with losing weight, I understand perfect well that weight loss cannot be rush and i don't mind taking it slowly...but the very thought of gaining weight TERRIFIES me.

The slightest things will trigger a binge...Be it emotionally, psychologically, physically or mentally.


Example?

My mood plays a BIG part in me binging...depression, irritation are the most often triggers

Seeing people eat

Looking at the scale and see that i gained 0.1kg can make me depress (I'm not exaggerating)

Smelling food

I have a loving family who gave me unconditional love AND accept me for who i am.

But then...its also the closest kin comments that hurt and affects me the most.

Family aside, I also have relatives who care a lot about me.

But I have a relative who i have no doubt only want the best for me, but his comments 100% WILL trigger a binge. I can't stand his comments sometimes...He DOES NOT know how i feel...or how hurtful his words are to me...But its not his fault. I'm the one who is so mentally weak and unstable that i can't handle the emotions that surge up just because of a few harmless comments. If I were confident enough, i would have been able to take his words as a form of motivation. But i wasn't.

I think I started binge/purge a month after CNY...

Initially, the first time i want to purge is because i ate too much and felt extremely bloated and uncomfortably full after a celebration meal, so i went to the washroom to try and puke it out. First attempt failed, i couldn't get any out.

Then I don't know why, whenever i over-eat, i want to purge. Not surprising, I eventually got the hang of it.

I would just stick my fingers as far as I can go down my throat and try to force the food back up.

I read on the internet how some people shove tooth-brushes down their throat in an attempt to gag themselves to throw up, but I couldn't and won't dare to do that. Ironic much?

I used to purge only when i binge, which rarely happens...maybe at most twice a month? Then i started having the urge to binge more and more often...from once every 2 weeks to once every week then it soon became once every 3-4 days...and now...its like once every 2 days... I am terrified of gaining weight... So i would purge it out and add exercise to burn off excess calories...which i guess helps a little...But only just a little.

The only up-side of things is that I don't purge after every single meal. I eat breakfast as per normal...a pretty healthy one. And i try to snack on fruits and vegetables if I'm hungry before lunch... And when lunch time comes, i try to eat as healthy as possible...but i do feel guilt sometimes after lunch.

As for dinner...I tend to eat only fruits or skip it altogether...The fear of eating a proper meal at dinner is kinda scary...because dinner, to me are just useless calories consumed because I am not going to do anything that requires much calories/energy at night. So all that excess calories are just worthless...

Another thing is I feel quite guilty if i don't do some form of exercise daily...it can be anything...going to the gym for an hour, doing cardio exercises in my room for an hour, walking for 2 hours or just jogging for 30 minutes... I JUST HAVE TO DO SOME EXERCISE, if not I would eat with the feeling of guilt. And its not a good feeling.

I don't want to binge, but the urges are getting more and more frequent...and taking longer and longer to die down...Its like I overcome one urge to binge, then barely 2 hours later, the urge comes back...

I don't really care what i eat when i binge... what i can find, i eat.

Be it bread, biscuits, cereal whatever. I don't really care, i just want to feel full, or rather, uncomfortably full. Eating is just so soothing and i feel so good when i eat...But this "feel good" sensation dies down after the binge is over and all i feel afterwards is guilt and remorse. Purging is like my escape gateway...I feel a sense of relieve when i manage to purge it out...

I am just soooooooo terrified of gaining weight...I don't want to go back to the me which was 95kg...Oh Gosh...The fear is killing me... SO WHY THE FREAKING HELL CANT I STOP?

I made an effort to come clean with my parents yesterday, I don't know if it'll help, but at least someone knows...
I know that by myself, I cannot handle it. I cannot continue to cheat myself by saying that I can do it ALONE. I CAN'T. I'm Not mentally strong enough for it.


I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!! I CAN DO IT!!