Never ending self destructive cycle
When I was younger, my relationship to food was perfectly normal. I have always had a huge appetite, but I was active and pretty slim.
But I have always suffered from low self-esteem. And I had this idea that I wasn't good enough. So I started working out more, and ate healthier. I lost X pounds, and I got a lot of compliments. But I wasn't satisfied. Pound by pound dropped. I couldn't see it at the time, but I developed anorexia. I was obsessed with calories, my goal was to eat as little as possible. People started to worry about me, and I had to prove to them I was absolutely fine. So I started eating in front of them. But the problem was I couldn't stop eating. I just ate, and ate. I got scared! What happened to the control I once had?
Well, I managed to gain back some of the control I had. In the weekdays I would eat about X calories. But when the weekend came, I couldn't control myself. I stuffed myself with extreme amounts of food. And I just didn't know how to stop...
It has been this way for about 2-3 years now, and I am so, so sick. I have gained a lot of weight, and it is really hard. Everyday the mirror is a reminder. I have been so low, I have wanted to end it all. Sometimes I can go a few weeks without binging. But suddenly a button is turned on in my head and i eat, and eat, and eat. And then I eat some more. I feel so stupid, and I am so ashamed, and alone in all of this.
BUT I WON'T GIVE UP!
I am now focusing on eating ENOUGH, and working with my no excisting self-esteem. I am learning to love myself. All my life I have HATED myself, and put myself down. I think that is the main reason i struggle so much with food. I had a horrible binge just a couple days ago, but I try to pick myself up and move on.
If you are reading this, and struggling with some of the same as me: HOLD ON! Some day this will end, I hopefully we can look back and be proud that we made it through. Binge eating disorder is a living hell sometimes, and recovery takes time. But I really hope I will beat make it, and be truly happy in my life, and about myself.
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