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Never again will I let this happen..

by Sarajane

I've never liked my body and probably never will. It basically started when I was in 5th grade ( I was about 10). The summer from 4th grade to 5th grade all of my friends got skinnier and I, of course, had to get bigger.I thought I was huge when I was in reality only about X pounds bigger than the other girls. Some of the people at school started to notice and started commenting on my weight.. it sucked. Me, being tech-savy 10 year old I was, decided to look up some diets or workouts I could do. For some reason in the midst of all the workouts and diets I should try it brang me to a thing called 'binging and purging'. I began to read more about it and it was apparently where you ate whatever you wanted and just threw it up when you're done and you lost weight. I was so excited about it that I didn't even think about what it could do to your body or the long-term effects, all I knew was that you lost weight. When I look back at it now I didn't even know it was called Bulimia, talk about being young and stupid.
So when the next time I ate a meal came around I ate and ate and ate.. then puked it up. It took me a few trys to get it down at first, but sadly I succeeded. I've always wondered what my life would have been like if I never succeeded at puking that first night. I felt good about myself after it was said and done. So whenever I would eat I puked and I was losing weight I was so happy. I never got how much it was hurting me. Regardless how happy I was about it, I never told a soul. My reasoning, I didn't want the skinny girls to know about it and get skinnier. This went on for about a year before I truly found out what I was doing to myself. Just eating and then puking at home.. no big deal right?
When I was 11, and by that time I was puking twice a day at least, I had lost a noticeable amount of weight which made me happy this 'diet' was actually working for me. Then it started not work that well so I looked it up online. That was the point I found out what exactly I was doing, but by then I couldn't stop. It just got worse at that point and I realized I didn't want to stop. A couple months later was when one of my best friends found out I was doing it. She tried and tried to make me stop and I just couldn't and I really didn't want to. No matter how much it was hurting me it was still making me skinnier and I loved that, I was actually skinnier than some of the people that use to call me fat.
After 5th and 6th grade I finally got to middle school and that's when I was so done with it. I would puke at school trying not to let anyone notice. Then I would get home eat everything and then puke, then puke again to make sure I got everything out. I would look at my stomach and I could see my hip bones and that's what made me keep going. I loved being skinny it made me feel beautiful. I was miserable on the inside though so I had to stop. My first question was how do you stop doing something that you've been doing for almost 4 years? The summer before 8th grade I stopped.. cold turkey.
Okay.. so I relapsed a couple times, the soonest a couple months ago. Throughout my whole 4 year bulimia trip I lost a total of almost X pounds my lowest weight was X when I was suppose to be at least X. I ended my bulimia journey weighing X when I was 13 and now 2 years later I'm 15 and a healthy X. It kills me not to be as skinny as I'd like, but how skinny I want to be is unhealthy. My long term effects I've been left with: I have aches and pains through out my bones almost daily, I have arthritis in my back, I have incredibly thin hair, and I lost almost all my enamel in my teeth. My journey was hard.. well is hard and I deal with it everyday not to throw up, but I'm getting stronger everyday. You never really lose the urge to.. you kind of learn to live with them. Just never lose hope.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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