Needing hope - Jennifer's bulimia story
Last night I was literally on my knees crying and praying for some entitiy to help me. I had binged and I could not get the food to come up. I've been involved with eating disorders (binge eating, bulimia, anorexia) to varying degrees since I was a child and I am 34 years old now. I discovered Shaye's website yesterday but I did not think that I'd be posting anything because yesterday morning, for the one millionth time, I'd promised to never count calories again, binge/purge again, weigh myself again etc.
Yet, last night on my knees crying, I felt more desperate than ever to be free. My relationship with eating disorders takes precedence over every person, pet, hobby and my job, it takes precedence over my life. Last night, I felt that I hit my "bottom". The desperation was not due to the fact that I couldn't throw up the unbelievable amount of food that I'd consumed or because of the severe pain in my protruding intestines, stomach and bleeding throat... the feeling of desperation came from the origin of my eating disorder... from the fear that I am a worthless human being and I deserve to be in pain. Ultimately I felt desperate to find a piece of hope that proved otherwise.
Today I don't feel ashamed of my behaviors. I know that some people would be disgusted and judge me if they were to witness me jamming my fingers down my throat and gagging with such force that I pee my pants. And that is ok - those people cannot relate and I am happy for them that they do not know the prison of an eating disorder. Today I just want to be honest and free of the self abuse. I want to accept myself for all that I am inside and out. I want to be free...
There is no way that accepting myself could cause me more pain, isolation or rejection then what I bring upon myself everytime I binge...
I thank all of the people who share their feelings because somehow I feel strength from reading what they've written. I am immensly grateful to Shaye for this site. Perhaps what I've expressed will relate to someone or maybe not, yet I feel responsible to share since I have gained hope from what others have shared.
Love - Jennifer
A Message from Shaye
Wow - your bulimia story actually made me teary eyed! I can relate to your experiences 100%
- and to think that somebody is suffering in that way - right now - as I write this - makes me feel so sad.
To think that anybody can feel that they deserve to be in pain - is - unthinkable...
Yet, I used to be there. Right where you are now.
I remember after a binge one night, running out of my house to a construction site nearby. There I threw up and collapsed. It was pouring with rain and I was sitting in the filthy, greasy mud. Yet somehow I felt as if I belonged there... I felt worthless.
It was freezing cold and my body ached... But for some reason - I thought I deserved that pain. I am so relieved that I love myself now!
How did it change? How did I go from such self-abuse and hatred to love?
First, I think it was accepting that it would be a journey... A journey to learn how to love myself again... And then making the commitment that I would persevere on that journey no matter what.
I tried not to focus on ending the binging and purging... I tried to focus on learning to LOVE myself. Because - a person who loves themself - would not fall prey to bulimia.
Every-time I heard self-abuse sneaking into my internal dialogue... I'd kick it out... and repeat self-affirmations... They were forced at first - but tell yourself something often enough - and you'll grow to believe it.
Every time I started to talk negatively about myself - my life - or anything for that matter - I would take a breath and re-structure my thinking... I would modify it to revolve around a positive. Again... positive people are not likely to fall into the bulimia trap...
I think this journey has taught me that recovering from bulimia is more about healing your mind, healing your self-belief and restoring your positivity... than simply ending the bingeing and purging... You can read more about this type of bulimia treatment here.
And Jennifer - your comment "There is no way that accepting myself could cause me more pain, isolation or rejection then what I bring upon myself everytime I binge" is so, so true.
In fact - learning to accept oneself is one of the most liberating journeys you could ever take...
And the start of that journey will signal the ending of another... The beginning of the end of your self abuse and bulimia.
Please keep in touch via my site. Your story and thoughts will give others the courage to keep fighting - and to find the strength to recover.
I hope that today is a good day for you - and that everyday ahead gets brighter still :)