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My years of self-hate, abuse and meltdown

My friends would probably never believe that I am bulimic because since I was a child, I used to laugh a lot, talk a lot and just be confident and active. However, it all changed for me (from inside) when I turned 15.

I don't remember when exactly I had started my vicious cycle of eating/purging but what I do remember is my mother never being there for me. At the age of 15 I was a normal teenage girl with esteem issues but my mother had never helped. She used to abuse me whenever she was tired or felt like it and I couldn't take it anymore, I had to find a way to be happy and be in control.

Another, trivial, reason was after my first boyfriend cheated on me I felt I wasn't good enough, especially with my mother rebuking me everyday just made me feel worse.

The funny thing is that when I was 15 years old, I was naturally thin and I never started this to lose weight. So, gradually I started bingeing a lot.. I would wait till it was night and go to the cupboards and eat all the chocolates.

After a while I was scared because I knew i'd gain weight if I continued binging and so the purging began. I felt I was in control and could eat how much ever I wanted and still not get fat. Now I was obsessed with my weight. I never liked how I looked when I stared at the mirror and would become upset. Thus, to relieve that stress I would binge to make myself feel better but then I would feed guilty so I'd purge.

It really started taking a toll on my life, emotionally. I began to feel as if I didn't fit in my school because I was some sort of a freak for being bulimic. I didn't want to go out because I thought I was too fat but I wasn't, I just weighed X kgs..

It's been going on for about 4 years and I keep saying it's the last day but it never is.

I know I can beat this horrible disease because I deserve to feel happiness and live like I used to before this took over my life. I hope one day to beat this and help all of you who are going through the same nightmare which I am.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program