I contemplated bulimia for a long time. I came across a site showing pressure points, and there was one at the neck that stimulated gagging - the rest is history. I did it, and I remember looking up in the mirror, my face flushed, tear-stained, hair disheveled, vomit on my cheek. I felt liberated.
It got worse, till I was vomiting nearly every meal out. Then it got better, dropping to about twice a week. I joined a club that forced me to exercise strenuously, thrice a week, and slowly I stopped puking. When I first became bulimic, it was because I would start eating when I came home, compulsively, non-stop. I would get bloated and feel fat and go run, but when I discovered bulimia it was a magic of sorts. About a year later I was puking when I crossed my 'limit', which ranged from a full-blown binge to a bowl of noodles.
After more than a year of bulimia, the exercise group and the great friends I made there (they never knew, of course) helped me out of that rut. But two months ago, it came back. It was seeing bra models on the newspaper. And my dad had bought a whole lot of junk food...I just lost it. I ate and purged. I came back to my senses horrified.
Since then I've been purging about twice a week. I'm so scared it's going to spiral out of control again, I've vomited twice today. I hope tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I won't do this again, but that's what I hoped yesterday. I can't tell my parents but I wish I could, so I could go to a psychiatrist and get this problem solved.
The exercise group, is a school group, and since I've grown a year now I'm a senior and seniors train juniors. I don't get as much exercise. I suppose a solution would be to exercise every day. I hope it works.
I'm so scared. I don't want to live with this my whole life. But I want to get thin, I need to get thin, I can't stand it being fat oh God. I need help and I know it but I'm all I have. That makes me want to cry but it's true. I told a close friend about it and she's understanding but it's awkward so we don't talk about it much.
I will fight this and I will win. And I will get thin. It's just that today was such a bad day.
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