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My Turning Point in the right direction...Finally.

by Bonnie

First, let me say how thankful that I am that I came across this site. I truly think that I was meant to find it.
I don't remember the first time I ever vomited willingly, it's been that long. It started when I was about 18 and I'm a 33 year old nursing student now. I find myself getting really sad thinking about how long it's been. I have a feeling that this all started after I moved out of my families home,my cousin died tragically and I had an awful break up with I guy who thankfully I am not devoting myself to now. It was an abusive time in my life as an adult on top of abuse at home that I suffered as a child by the hand of my father.
I think that I just put all of that negativity away because that's not who I am at all. I thought I just over came all of those bad things and now that I have really thought about it, I guess I didn't.
After all this time my body is finally catching up with me and it's time to take control of my own well-being. I remember being such an active happy person and now I find that I'm that happy girl who would help anyone on the outside but not on the inside anymore. I don't think that I have ever truly loved myself, I just thought that I had to put up that front for others.
I remember my mother being very critical about my weight and the possibility of putting on too much weight as a kid as a very negative thing. I talked about this a long time ago with my parents but I lied about seeking out help when I never did.
Recently, I went on anti-depressants because I was losing my self even more. They were horrible. The only thing that they did was prevent me from purging and gain weight, which made me feel even worse. I just weaned myself off and feel now that I am in school again I better practice what I preach as a nursing student. Things have gotten out of control and I can feel it.
Lately I find that I'm the most anxious and compulsively eating when I'm at home by myself. At school I have no problem but as soon as I get home it's totally different.
I am retaining so much water at this time that I don't recognize myself and I feel worse,not to mention the $ that I am spending. I feel ashamed. My boyfriend will find out soon that I have been spending this money and I am going to have to tell him why,I'm afraid.
I need to change things and feel something better just writing this down. I told my closest friend at school but nothing in detail.
So. I'm ready. I'm ready to change this for the better and I am glad that you have made this available. I feel a bit lost about what I am supposed to do next but I guess that this is a start.
I can't live this life anymore and I couldn't really talk about it before. I'm off school for the next 2 weeks after my exams and I'm hoping to really get into a routine that is a healthy start but I am petrified about being home by myself and not knowing what to do.
Thanks for the start and I am really glad that you shared so that I can relate to someone, finally.


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program