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My total life - KT's bulimia story

by KT
(Cincinnati, OH)

I don't know where to begin...

Bulimia hit me then I was 14 years old and as an attempt to rid myself of too many sugary pixy stixs eaten... It felt so normal, fingers down the throat and all the nasty sugar was gone. If only it was so simple... Actually it was too simple, I realized how easy it was to rid myself of unwanted food. And, so it became my life...

Slowly at the beginning. I would purge a meal here or there, then I would purge most meals, then I would binge at the local fast food restaurant and grocery store to eat all the things I would never allow myself to normally eat. And then easily purge those feasts into the toilet. If needed, I would use a bucket to hide the purge until all was clear...

I got through high school stealing food and working to buy my binges and spent most of my free time purging. college came and I worked to buy food, but best of all was the open cafeteria on my meal plan. I would gorge myself silly, alone hiding from anyone who may recognize my deed. I would eat all I could and purge to feel "normal". on other days I would overfill a to-go container to take to my dad on the way to work. Somehow it made me feel a little bit normal. I hid food from my roommate, bingng in our room and purging in the shared bathroom.

I Went to Germany after I graduated and binged and purged my way through group trips, presidential dinners, roommate encounters, including the man I brought back to the USA and married... How noone never knew is beyond me.

Back in the USA and in medical school, I continued to fool my German husband, classmates and family. For years now I have been binging and purging 3-6 timer per day. And no one knew, really. I got through medical school and graduate school - before I had a total melt down...

First inpatient for depression for 1.5 months and then finally I broke my silence and was inpatient for ED for 2 months. I had been suffering from a combination of bulimia and anorexia for years.

I had an ng tube, scheduled meals that were supplemented if not finished and more fat and calories then I was used to. With the prior depression and this event I had my fair share of electroshock therapy. I still can't remember like I used to. I am now through 6 months of outpatient therapy and dialetical behavioral therapy. I'm doing better but not perfect.

I hope to someday find the way. I want to be normal, happy and live a real life.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program