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My struggle with ED and self harm...

by Nicole

I have been self harming since I can remember back to when I was around eleven possibly younger. It started out small, pinching, bruises, bites, and eventually cutting, and burning, drawing blood was a daily thing. I have been sober from that for almost one year! But a dark struggle i still face is my bulimia...I have decided to take the steps to recover. I was inspired by this site yesterday and told myself I would stop, but tonight even though I ate very little, I's very upsetting but I won't let that stop my recovery. I don't know where to start. I will be trying to get a therapist soon this month, but no one I know has these issues. I don't know whether I am Anorexic and Bulimic or just Bulimic with Anorexic tendencies. I usually stay under X calories half the week, and I usually avoid eating all day the rest of the week until around midnight and I give in and eat a dinners worth of food and a couple snacks...I never have eaten over a days worth of calories during a binge but i still am so worried to gain weight so I purge...I don't think I am skinny enough to be anorexic? I don't know if that matters or it is just my mind set...but I used to weight around X pounds for a year a few years ago and since then I lost weight naturally and healthily but then went back to my ED issues, and here I's a control thing and I have been wanting to get help...I want to be able to maintain my current weight which is around X and I am five I know I am unhealthy from my actions but that size for me is ideal, maybe replace some fat with muscle over time...I just don't know how to find the right vitamins and minerals to take, and I have severe insomnia...does anyone know how to help me with anything??? WORDS HELP<3 ALSO does anyone struggle with loose skin?? Mine isn't too bad but I know that my real body shape is better if I wasn't so yo yo all my life, I mean the loose skin isn't bad enough for surgery, I think some skin tightening treatments would help, but I also have creams that aren't over the counter and are from my estitician and they have great before and after proof? What else is key to helping reduce loose skin around my belly and thighs??? My chest is a lost cause...its sad but oh well...I just want to wear my summer clothes without this loose skin...again I am my own worst critic so its not terrible just noticible when pointed out...or sitting first case of anorexia was when I was twelve which lasted one year...then in high school I was on a diet pill binge and lost weight, but after my weight gain I was developing more intense life threatening ED...I am so worried. I am in school. VERY happy...but tired. weak. pale, yellow hands, always cold...nervous, and bloated all the time...I hydrate my body alll day I drink so much water but i can't help but notice the bloat still...what should I do??? I don't want a slow metabolism...I dont want to gain weight and have that be another weight issue i just want healthy back into my life:( How do I start? I am trying...I just need help...Thank you so much!!!!

Any shared stories would be amazing, I don't have any friends that understand, they try but do not suffer from self harm, or eating I's getting really do I fix my bulimia and am I also anorexic? I am getting evaluated this week, as well as dentist treatments to help prevent bad teeth! Hair is falling out, and I am dry all over...I am worried, i get faint and I just know I am a walking corpse unless I get the help I need.

I know this is long, but i feel safe typing and need to vent I guess....I am so guarded and just want to say that, I think I am a great person, its just this disease that causes all my guilt, shame and self hate at times...I dont know where to start but I already am willing to admit my issues...

is anyone going through the beginning stages too? How are you dealing with the bloat and anxiety? How do you learn to re eat without gaining massive pounds and how do you get your skin back to its tight natural ways??? I am young...20 and I just don't want to die or get worse....each year....its so hard... thank you for listening....

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program