Not sure if this is going to make sense!! But here goes!!
Back in sept 2010 I was X stone and a size X. I started slimming world and losing weight sensibly but then after a few months something happened! Can't tell u what but all of a sudden I was restricting, weighing myself continuously and getting a buzz of seeing the scales drop! By December 2010 I had lost X stone and by April 2011 I had got down to Xstone! By this time I was restricting a lot and taking diet pills. If I had to eat eg out with family or friends I would purge and take laxatives. At this time I would never binge but I did purge if made to eat 'normally' I was in total denial! Made excuses to get out of going out if eating was the focus, totally isolated myself as didn't think I deserved friends as I hated myself, was so weak that even doing normal daily activities would knock me for six!
By June 2011 I realised I had a big problem and took myself to docs. They sent me to a dietician and put me forward for CBT. I had to wait till jan 2012 to get CBT started as my BMI wasn't low enough to be a massive concern. From June 2011 and jan 2012 my weight stablished at X stone but my bulimic tendencies were becoming more and more.
CBT did help with my self esteem issues and also pin pointed why maybe my control over food and weight had become an issue. But actually getting over the fact and allowing myself to eat normally and find a happy medium was still some what an issue.
My CBT came to an end in July 2012. I did find it successful but with self esteem issues and not really my food issues. But I kinda thought if my self esteem has been worked on it should help how I feel with food.
I stopped binge and purging June 2012 and started trying to eat normally 3 times a day with healthy snacks. I still had a few episodes of binging but no purging. I found I had put on weight though and this still scared me senseless, still does now!
So I lasted till march 2013 with no binge and purge!!!! ...... and then i had a relapse! And now my bulimic tendencies are making a come back much to my frustration and disappointment!
Presently I'm stuck in a restrict wk day cycle binge/purge wkend cycle!
I so Need to find a Happy medium between restricting and binge/purge.
If im following a restricting day then I find it quite easy! Controlled diet with my safe foods! Bananas, soup, raw vege, fat free yogurt and sugar free jelly!
My Recent binge/purge relapse is
mainly one day over the wkend! In my head its a treat day! My weekend binges are a total protest against my weekday deprivation!!! This is the frustrating thing as I know this is why I'm binging but can't seem to stop it!!!!!
Although this scenario can happen to! If a day where I know there will be 'proper food' and I will have to eat with family members or friends its like I allow myself to eat! Ends up in a binge eg eat before i go or/and eat afterwards back at home but in secret! if going home alone afterwards will end in a purge! If staying at family members house or friends won't purge but will be up most of night feeling bloated, sick and very guilty!!!! This situation mainly happens at the wkend at family and social events! So my pattern is still mainly restrict wk days binge/ purge 1 wkend day or sometimes 2 days!
It's like I can't stop eating when I've allowed myself a break in my 'controlled' eating habits and my safe food!!! My body is craving everything I'm restricting!
When i restrict calories, I'm around X calories a day. Sometimes I get full from a tin of soup and sometimes I eat until I feel like my stomach explodes, but I still “feel” hungry. It feels like my stomach and my head are telling me 2 different things. My stomach is telling me to stop eating and my head is telling me that I am still hungry. When I binge on food, I’m usually so frustrated because I eat a lot and feel full physically, but I’m still hungry mentally??!!!! It's like I go into this trance where I just have to eat!
I'm tired a lot of the time, I do a lot of exercise to try and counter act the calories etc although have to admit hockey and my exercise classes have given me a new lease of life - something to work on like a challenge. I struggle to sleep as either have taken too much caffeine or just thinking about the mess I'm in, I have moments of light headedness or dizziness and lapse of concentration! I'm sure my electrolyte levels are messed up. I am still prone to take appetite depressants through tablets and red bull all depends on the quality of the day! I can have times/days were I'm constantly hungry (in my head) and all I think of is food! This is very frustrating and leaves me feeling pathetic and useless. I find when Im bored or Lonely these feelings are at their peak!
Sorry this is long winded!!! It's taking me ages to write! Over the last few wks I've tried to write down how I'm feeling and try to explain what's happening to me. Its been quite therapeutic writing it all down actually. Im not expecting anyone to understand as i dont even understand! But this is kinda what's happened/happening and how Im feeling! I know Im the only one that can sort it and deal with it. It's incredibly frustrating and it's driving me mad!!!
Im so determined to beat this but sometimes the urge is so strong and overpowers my brain!!! I have achieved it before and I can Do it again, this will not beat me!! I need to take control back of my life, me not ED!!
Any advice? Anyone going through same/similar feelings and want to talk to someone? Just want it all to stop! I know I have a problem and need to deal with it/sort it out!
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