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My story ( summarised) A life of shame, lonelyness and panic

by Louise
(Ireland)

My story begins years ago. I used to be happy, very active, sportive, i was a joy to be around (so my parents used to day). Because of this, i obviously maintained a healthy weight in my early years, that is up until high school. My mum and my sisters have always had fuller figures and carried a little (a lot) of extra weight. So they always used to say to me (a skinny little thing at the time) "Never get fat Lou"...

I never would have said them comments got to me but thinking back its clear they did. Three years into high school i began to hate the way i looked. i Had skinny friends, who always got the attention of the boys, were popular etc. I just felt like i didn't fit the grade. I cannot say i was huge but i really really felt it. A few years of hating myself, while putting on a front to everyone else that i was so happy and care free. i HAD to do something about my weight.......i stopped eating for a few weeks which only made me really weak and withdrawn..i lost some weight but quickly put it back on when the hunger got to me/ this increased my anxiety even more...

My friends knew there was something up, so did my family they tried to make me eat. I felt so bad for my binge eating after my spell of starvation--i really hit breaking point--- so one night after eating and pacing and panicking, i went to the toilet....and got sick for the first time. it was hard at first but now getting sick is just a matter of bending over the toilet. So I have a being b/purging ever since...

I was caught one random afternoon. I got out of the toilet and my sister was just standing there crying. She begun yelling at me "What are you doing to yourself"....everyone at home at the time heard, (my mum/dad)..they were heartbroken...i have never seen my dad cry...he did that evening. They wanted to cure me but to be honest i wasn't ready to be fixed. I went through counseling three times since then but it didn't help. I guess if you're not ready to change, you cannot...

I have ruined friendships, relationships because of this disease. I am on anti depressants because i have got so low, ive considered taking my life a few times. Thank god (i dont know how) i got through university, qualified and am now working. I still have this problem but i am so determined to fix it now.. without bulima i think i would be so happy and successful. But the hardest thing for me now is getting through those binge cravings which hit me a lot especially when i am doing so well. They make it so frustrating and disheartening...

I would love some help or even someone i could talk to or relate to!! this site is amazing and has helped me so much!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program